Rewards
by gizmo8us
Summary: Post Chosen - Buffy learns that Spike is alive and she must rescue him from a new evil that has taken him hostage so that they can be together.
1. Vistors

Chapter 1 - Visitors

The Sun was sitting high in the mid afternoon sky and it was warm outside. I only knew this because my room was warmer than it had been when I went to sleep in the early morning hours and streams of light were shining around the heavy red velvet drape that covered my window. The one that I had gotten before everything had turned to shit and I hadn't had the heart to replace.

I stretched a bit and cast my eyes to the empty place beside me. I did it every morning as if I was half expecting some miracle had happen in the night and he would be there beside me. Even after three months he was still the first thing I thought about when I woke and the last thing I thought about when I finally drifted off to sleep.

Everyone kept telling me that this thing I was going through would get easier with time. They kept saying that the pain that stayed with me every second would ease eventually. I was beginning to not believe them.

I reached my hand out and softly touched his vacant pillow before squeezing my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. Most days I lost this particular battle, today looked like I would win. At least this time. All bets were off for the rest of the day when I would have to repeat the same struggle a hundred times. I hadn't made through an entire day without crying at some point yet.

Maybe today would be the day.

I rolled slowly to a sitting position and stretched again, trying to work the soreness out of muscles that had taken a beating the night before. Apparently even with the Hell Mouth closed and the world safe from mass invasion there was still plenty of work for an entirely too old and too used up slayer. Only now I was training younger slayers instead of actually fighting the fight myself.

Last night had been a tough one. One of the potentials had gotten a piece of me. The fighting seemed to be taking more out of me than it had before. The injuries took a little longer to get over, the bruises, longer to fade.

Willow had a theory that by sharing my power with the S.I.T. I had lost a little of what used to make me so good. As I reached to massage my shoulder I was starting to think she was on to something. Last night had been tough but by my standards in the past it was routine. No where near enough that I should feel like I got my ass kicked by an eight hundred pound demon, but I did.

Maybe I was just getting older. Maybe I should retire and let the younger kiddies have all the fun. It wasn't the first time the thought had occurred to me. I wasn't supposed to make it much past twenty five or so. No other slayer had, but here I was staring down the barrel of twenty nine and I was still here, still fighting the fight. Fifteen years of slaying just couldn't be good for your health.

Maybe it was because I had lost my edge. Everything had changed the day we went after the First, everything including me. I left a piece of myself in that cavern. And I knew without a doubt exactly where I had left it. Coming out of that hole alone had done more to me than anything else that had every happened in my life and that included, sending my first love to hell, killing myself in exchange for Dawn's life and being pulled out of Heaven. Nothing had changed me as much as leaving him there had. Nothing.

Although I know that by the time I cralwed out of the Earth, there hadn't been anything left of him anymore. He was gone by the time I got back above ground. I blamed myself at first for not doing more to save him. I punished myself for not getting him out of there. Faith had been the one to tell me how ridiculous that was. She was the one that made me remember that he was on fire by the time I let go of his hand. There was absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. He was gone before I had a chance to try and save him. The same way I had been gone before he had a chance to try and save me from the portal I jumped through. But now I understood how he felt. I knew what he went through that summer and I could still hear the hitch in his voice that I had never heard before when he said,

" One hundred and forty seven days yesterday, hundred and forty eight today, except today doesn't count, does it ? "

I had never seen the look on his face that I saw that day before. It was that day when he saw me coming down the stairs that I realized he really did love me. I was very privileged over the next few months to get to see that look of complete adoration many times. It was there the first time we really touched, the first time we kissed, the first time we had sex.

I took a deep breath and wondered fleetingly what had gotten my mind on that train of thought. That was no way for me to win the battle today.

Shaking my head, as if to physically clear the thoughts from my mind, I got out of my king size bed and made my way to my private bathroom. Sometimes it paid to be the original slayer. It came with some perks.

I made my way through my usual morning rituals quickly. Then, teeth nicely brushed and freshly clean from the shower I slipped into a pair of jeans and a red shirt with a scooped neckline and started down to the kitchen.

Walking down the three flights of stairs it took me to get to the ground floor, I realized I really missed my little house on Revello Drive. The massive estate that had become the slayers base of operations was nice, really nice, but it still wasn't home.

I made a quick stop on my way to food at my office and snagged the handful of messages off my desk, not bothering to look at them until I had nourishment in front of me. I had managed to make it all the way to the kitchen without encountering any of the house's other occupants so far. I heaved a sigh of relief then felt bad for it. Everyone meant well, I knew that, but if I had to hear one more person ask me how I was, I was going to hurl over my stylish yet affordable shoes.

They had all gotten to the point where they were talking to me like I was some small child or mental patient and they were afraid if they said the wrong thing I would completely lose my mind. There were days that I felt like they were right.

I went quickly through what had now been termed, the staff dinning room, meaning that only one large table stood in the center of the room with twelve high back, solid oak chairs sitting around it. A chandler hung over the center of the table and a matching massive oak china cabinet and buffet stood at the ends against the walls. The regular dinning room held five tables that sat twenty a piece at each one and looked a lot less formal. We had eighty five slayers in training now, and eleven 'staff'.

Giles had somehow gotten the council to pay for everything and he was now in negotiations with the initiative to exchange technology and funding. Hell, we even got a little kick from Wolfman and Hart. The slaying business was booming and looking around the headquarters, it showed.

I pushed open the solid door into the kitchen and smiled when I saw Andrew standing in front of the stove, leaning over several steaming pots and pans and stirring one of them with a huge wooden spoon.

Andrew had become our resident chef. Since we moved our operation to Mexico, Andrew was now an invaluable member of our little team. He also acted as my secretary although I kept insisting to him that I didn't need one. He even taught a class on magical defense with Willow. But more than in a professional capacity, he had helped me through some of the rougher moments of the past few months. He was always willing to listen and I loved talking about Spike with him. He seemed to be one of the only members of the household that had genuinely liked him. I felt comfortable talking to him where as when I talked to the others I could sense their underlying disapproval. I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but I still felt it and I was learning to just go with whatever I was feeling and not second guess myself.

He turned when he heard the door opened and offered me a huge smile in greeting.

" How are you this afternoon ? " he asked.

" I'm okay. " I smiled back at him, looking at his apron that proclaimed him to be a Master Chef.

" I put all your messages on your desk. There was one that looked pretty important and Willow and Giles wanted to talk to you about something that sounded dire. " he told me, still smiling from ear to ear.

I waved the papers in my hand at him, showing him I had gotten the messages and thanked him.

" Are you hungry ? I was just making you something to eat. I was going to bring it up to you. "

" I'm starving. Thank you again. Is there coffee ? " I asked, hopefully.

" Of course. " he said, as if it was the most idiotic question he had been asked all day.

I made myself busy making a cup and sat down at the bar that separated the room in two.

" Do you have any idea what Willow and Giles wanted ? " I wondered.

" No, they didn't tell me. Did you sleep at all ? " His voice sounded, as always, genuinely concerned.

" I slept some. " I answered, truthfully.

He turned back to me with his hands on his hips and tried his best stern look which on him looked ridiculous and I had to stifle a laugh.

" You need to sleep, Buffy. You can't keep going like this. You don't eat much. You don't sleep much. Do you really think Spike would have wanted you to do this to yourself. " he lectured.

I dropped my eyes to the floor at the mention of Spike's name and realized that he was probably right. Spike would be jumping down my throat at the way I was treating myself, but I really couldn't help it. I was trying, I really was.

" I know you're right. " I admitted. " I'll do my best to do better. "

He dished up a plate of eggs and bacon and toast and sat it down in front of me.

" Start with this. " he told me, still trying to be severe.

I started eating or attempting to at least. When I sat down, I was famished, but now trying to swallow the wonderful food in front of me was like a chore. That had been the way it was going for months. I was hungry until I had food in front of me, then it was a struggle to make myself eat it. But if I didn't force the food down, fifteen minutes from now, I would be going through the same routine again.

That was exactly what my life had become, routine. Everything I did was automatic pilot. I didn't feel any of it. It felt vaguely reminiscent of the way I had felt when I came back from Heaven, except there was no Spike to help me get through it this time.

It made me wonder sometimes what the Powers That Be had against me just being normal.

I turned my head as the door swung opened and cringed when that damn Bot came through the opening. Willow had managed to put the thing back together again and to replace the parts that couldn't be fixed. I hated looking at it. It reminded me of an unhealthy obsession that had turned into something horrible for both of us.

How in the Hell had love been born from that ? How was it possible for us to start out like we did, go through all we had and end up loving each other more than either of us felt we were capable of loving ? I didn't have the answers. I just knew how I felt. I wish he had believed me when I told him I loved him. It was one of the regrets that I live with everyday. I should have told him sooner, made him understand that what I felt for him was real, made him see what he meant to me.

Neither of us in the entire two years we were really together had ever said I love you and had it answered with I love you, too. That made my chest tighten to just think about. That night I left the house and he had found me. I should have told him then when he was telling me how much he cared about me, how much he loved me, but as usual I was so wrapped up in myself and what I was going through, it didn't occur to me.

" When I say I love you it isn't because I want you or can't have you, it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the worst and best of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are - you're a hell of a woman, you're the one, Buffy. " I still remembered the words exactly like he had said them yesterday. They repeated themselves over and over in my head. Why couldn't I have told him I loved him too. I felt it. Looking back, all I wanted to do was feel his arms around me, feel his strength against me. I think he really needed to hear me say it, too. But I couldn't do it. I don't think I had ever been that far down in my life. Once again, I didn't know where to turn and once again, Spike had been there to catch me. He was always there when I needed him.

But I was always selfish when it came to Spike, treating him like he was placed on the Earth merely to be what I needed him to be. I never took his feelings into account. I never paid attention to his needs. If I had it to do over....

" You are feeling well this afternoon ? " the Bot asked me in that damned annoying happy voice of hers.

" I'm fine. " I managed around a bite of eggs.

" You are consuming nourishment. That is fortunate. You must keep yourself in satisfactory working order. " she smiled and bounced out through the door on the far side of the room which was the utility closet. Her sole purpose in the house was cleaning now. I just didn't have it in me to let her do more than that. Being around her hurt.

She came back out, pushing a cart laden with cleaning supplies.

" I will go about my duties now. If you have need of me I will be starting on the third floor and working my way down. Then I will start on the dorm. Is that sufficient ? "

" It's fine. " I told her with a forced smile.

It seemed to please her because she bounced a little and left the room with her usual smile.

Zander came through the door as she was leaving and gave her a little wave.

" What's up ? " he asked, coming up beside me and putting his hand on my back.

" I really hate having her around. " I said, to explain my grumpy expression.

He sighed and smiled at me. " At least you don't have to clean the toilets as long as she's here. That has to make up for a little discomfort. "

I shrugged and gave him a weak smile. " I suppose it does. But we could always get the trainees to do the cleaning. We could lie and tell them it's part of their training. Learning to take order or discipline or something teachy sounding. "

" That wouldn't be very ethical, now would it ? " he answered, going to the coffee machine and pouring a cup.

" I guess not. " I admitted. " Why do I always have to take the high ground ? "

" Because you are the savior of the World from vampires and other things that go boo in the night. " he explained, like I was a child whining about doing homework. " That just seems to come with it's own set of rules about virtue and good things. "

I laughed. It wasn't something I did very often anymore.

He leaned against the counter with his cup of coffee and smiled at me.

" You know what ? " he began, giving me a look I didn't recognize. " I believe that I am going to make it my mission in life to see to it you make that sound at least once a day. "

I stopped laughing and stared at him. We had grown closer since the fight with the First. I was pretty sure it was us both losing someone we loved in the battle. I was glad for it. We had really grown apart in the year or so before everything went down. I knew he had a very big problem with Spike especially after he had sex with Anya. The whole near rape hadn't helped their relationship. But when Spike saved him from Caleb, things changed between them. Some of the hostility melted there. I mean they weren't best friends or anything close to it, but a mutual truce seemed to have been called. I think Zander even eventually excepted how I felt about him in the end.

" I appreciate that. " I told him sincerely. " That's really nice. "

He set his cup down and came over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

" We all care about you a lot, Buffy. We want to help you get through this. I know how much pain you've been in lately. " A flicker of sorrow touched his face. " Believe me, I know. "

I smiled and touched his arm. " Thank you. "

He pulled back and shook himself. " Okay, enough of the Hallmark moment. What are the plans for today ? "

I chuckled a little and looked down at the forgotten pile of messages by my plate.

" I'm not sure yet. I have a class in an hour. So that is one of the plans. And I need to return these messages. "

He looked at the papers in my hand. " Angel called ? " he asked. " I wonder what he wants. "

I hadn't even read the papers yet. So I had no idea and told him as much.

" Hope it isn't important. " Zander commented quietly. But knowing Angel like we both did, we understood that it probably was.

" I guess I need to call him and find out. " I said, standing and taking my plate to the sink.

Andrew glanced to the plate and his hands went to his hips again.

" Buffy, you barely touched your food. I thought you said you would try to do better. " he said, unyieldingly.

I shrugged my shoulders at him and waved the papers. " I tried, I really did, but duty calls. "

" Duty could have waited for you to finish your breakfast. " he chided as I went out the door.

I went quickly through the dining room, looking down at the paper in my hand. Angel calls were rarely about anything good. Usually it meant there was some impending disaster on the horizon and he was giving me the heads up.

I went through my office and closed the door behind me, flipping on the light as I walked past it and around my huge cherry wood desk to sit in the comfortable red office chair behind it.

I grabbed the phone and quickly punched in the numbers.

I didn't have to wait very long before someone on the other end answered.

" Hello, " Angel said in his polite phone voice.

" It's me. " I told him. " Your message said it was urgent. "

I heard him sigh.

" Yeah, it is. I'm on the next flight out to you. " he said in a rather rapid tone.

" Wow. " I answered. " Is it that serious ? Are we all going to die ? "

He chuckled. " No, it isn't serious like that. " he assured me.

" So there is no apocalypse or impending doom ? " I asked, surprised.

" No, this crisis is one with more of a personal nature. " He answered with his usual crypticness.

" Personal ? What do you mean ? " I asked him, knowing I wasn't going to get an answer if he didn't feel like supplying one.

" You sound tired. " He swiftly changed the subject, but I let it slide. I didn't feel like fighting him.

" I haven't been sleeping much. " I admitted.

" I bet you haven't been eating either. " he sighed audibly. " Rupert and Willow both called me earlier this week and said they were worried about you. "

I chuckled. " So you are rushing out here to rescue me from my self destruction ? " I asked.

" No, I would have used the phone for that. I think I have the solution for your problem, though. " he said.

" Solution, what are you talking about ? " I asked.

" You'll see when I get there. " he answered. " But I have to go or I'll miss the plane. It will probably be midnight or so before I get to you. "

" What solution ? You always have to be so secretive. " I chided.

" It's my way. " he laughed.

" I know. " I laughed with him.

" I'll see you tonight. " he said, clearly not going to tell me anything else.

"All right, I'll be here. " I answered.

We hung up and I sat wondering what in the hell that phone call had been about.

I was still smiling while I glanced at the other messages, none of which were important or anything that couldn't wait.

Then there was a knock on the door.

" Come in, " I called.

Willow stuck her head in around the door, then she walked all the way in.

" I need to talk to you. " she said, seriously. Her expression matching her tone.

" What's wrong ? " I asked, a lump in my stomach at her manner.

" I think we have a problem. " she answered, sitting on the edge of my desk.

" What ? " I wished she wouldn't make me ask too many more times. She was starting to really scare me.

" I sensed something in the house about a week ago. It's been here ever since. It's not something I'm familiar with. " she answered, her words careful, measured.

" What do you mean, something ? " I questioned her, staring into her eyes.

" I don't know. Like I said, it's nothing like I've ever felt before. "

" There is more that you aren't telling me. " I stated, knowing it was true without asking.

" It seems to be attached to you. " she said quietly.

" What the hell do you mean, attached to me ? " I questioned.

" Where ever you go, it goes. I only sense it when you are around. " she answered.

" What is it ? "

" I'm not sure. It feels human. I mean, in a weird way. But it's no one I ever met. It's unfamiliar. " she said, trying to explain what she was feeling.

" So it isn't something horrible ? " I asked, hopefully.

She considered that for a moment, as if she were reaching deep inside herself for the right answer. " I doesn't feel horrible. Just new. " she said, finally.

I let out a long steadying breath and sank back against the back of my chair.

" Okay. So it isn't horrible. So how do we find out what it is ? " I asked, then I thought about that. " You don't think it's him do you ? "

She started at that, but her look said she knew exactly which him I was referring to. " I don't know. But I don't think so. I mean, I know what he feels like. This is very similar but still it's different. But maybe it's different because I haven't been around him in so long or because he has passed over. I can't be sure. "

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at the thought of Spike being with me like this. My emotions were the same tangled up mess they had been for months.

" Buffy ? " she asked, looking at me with concern. " Are you all right ? "

" I'm fine. " I waved her worry away. " Really. I'm all kinds of good. "

" I'll keep trying to figure out what it is. "

" Thanks. I appreciate that. " I told her, giving her a smile.

We both visibly relaxed and she smiled.

" So what's happening today ? " she asked me, brightly.

" I have a class in a little bit and Angel is flying in tonight. "

She looked a little surprised. " Angel is coming here ? "

" Yeah, he said you called him. Giles, too. " I told her.

She cast her eyes to the floor sheepishly. " We were worried about you. I didn't know he would rush right over like some kind of hero. I just figured he'd call and talk to you. " she offered in way of an explanation.

" I understand. " I assured her. " He said he was going to call. " I paused, " He told me he might have a solution to my problem. "

" What kind of solution ? " she asked, wrinkling her forehead.

" I got the patented, Angel ' You'll see when I get there. ' . So I have no idea. " I said, slumping a bit more.

She regarded me for a long moment. " You don't look like you feel very well ? "

" I think you're right. I just need some time to adjust. I'll be fine. It's the learning how to live without him around that's killing me. " I said, pulling my hands through my hair and resting my elbows on my desk.

I looked up at her and I saw the understanding on her face. She had gone through all this a year ago when Tara died.

I propped my chin up. " How the Hell did you get through this ? "

She slid off the desk and crouched down beside me, putting her arm over my shoulder.

" I gave myself some time. I kept getting through the days and pretty soon, getting through them wasn't so hard anymore. You'll work it out. We're all here to help you. " she told me.

" I just can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Never hearing his voice again, or seeing him tilt his head to the side or raise his eyebrows at me. " I answered, and it started. The battle was lost again today. Tears flowed down my cheeks like streams from a river. I felt them splatter against my collarbone.

She pulled me to her and let me cry on her shoulder while she whispered things like, it's going to be okay, to me. I didn't believe her anymore. I had finally decided that being without Spike would never be okay. That thought just made me cry harder.


	2. Good News

Chapter 2 - Good News

Half an hour later, I was splashing cold water on my face and trying to prepare myself for the class I was about to teach. I moved along, back on my automatic pilot, but my thoughts stayed with Willow. She had felt a presence around me. Something similar to Spike. It had to be him. He was with me. He was staying just like he always had, right by my side. Even in death he wasn't far from me. I should have known that. Nothing would keep him away from me.

I made it through class and dinner. But after that, everything turned awful. I had this great sense of dread at whatever Angel was bringing as my solution. I was still not sure how I felt about this presence that seemed to be following me and my dinner had definitely not agreed with me.

By eleven-thirty, I was in no shape to greet visitors. I was actually quite occupied with holding my head over the toilet and heaving. I was really afraid that my shoes would be the next thing I would throw up, when I heard a knock on the bedroom door.

" What is it ? " I yelled loudly so I could be heard into the other room and out to the hall. I really wasn't ready to risk moving yet, though the heaving had seemed to pass for the moment.

" Angel's here. " came Dawn's voice. " Are you all right ? "

I pressed my hand to my forehead and attempted a standing position. Once upright, I called, " I'm fine. Tell him I'll be right there. "

I went to the sink, splashed some cold water on my face and brushed my teeth to get the pukey taste out of my mouth. I hate to throw up. Give me a fever and chills, congestion or coughs any day. Just not the pukies. I hate the pukies.

I flipped the light off as I headed out of the room.

I heard voices as I started down the stairs. Angel was telling Dawn how much she had grown since he last saw her. Dawn was telling him about the high school program Robin had set up here at Slayer Central.

I stepped off the last stair and turned towards the foyer where Giles, Dawn, Willow and Angel were standing. Faith was even lurking near the living room door, watching everything from a distance.

Angel turned to me and took me into a warm hug.

" You look like shit. " he whispered into my ear so no one else could hear.

" Wish I could say the same for you, but you look great. " I answered, hugging him back.

I moved in expecting the kiss we usually shared when we came together, but he pulled back and brushed his lips lightly across my cheek.

Strange, I thought. He had never not kissed me before. Oh my God, what if his surprise was that he had found a woman and was in love ? I wasn't sure I could handle seeing Angel happily snuggled up to someone else for however long he was planning to stay. Judging by the suitcase at his feet, it would be an extended visit.

" I have really missed you. " he said, looking at me.

I thought about that for a second, wondering how to answer. Had I missed him lately ? There was a time when I had missed him every day. Not like I missed Spike, but still. There was a point in my life when I thought my world was ending because he wouldn't be in my life anymore. I realized what a child I had been back then and how that feeling didn't compare even remotely to what I was going through now.

I opted for avoidance in a polite way. " It has been a while. " I smiled.

Angel grinned at me. " Have you been sick, you look really pale ? "

I had changed into a pair of low riding blue sweats and a halter top with a cartoon animal on it. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I wasn't wearing any sort of make up. I really must have looked a mess considering only minutes ago I was upchucking my dinner.

I tried to smooth my hair back. " I haven't felt all that great today. " I admitted.

" I hope you aren't coming down with something. " he said, reaching out to touch my cheek.

Then he physically shook his head, squared his shoulders and took my hands. " I understand you haven't been dealing with things so well lately. " he stated. " What's up ? "

" I don't really know. " I lied, feeling uncomfortable with the room full of people staring at us.

" It's Spike. " Willow offered. " She's having trouble dealing with losing Spike. "

" I thought that was probably it. " he answered, glancing at Willow and then back at me.

I smiled blandly. " I can't help it, I guess he got to me. "

Angel smiled back at me and shook his head. " I knew that the night I gave you the amulet. It didn't matter how much you protested. I knew you were gone. "

I laughed. " You have always been able to see right through me. "

" I guess I have. " he answered.

I motioned towards the door where Faith was lounging. " Come in, " I told him.

We all moved through the huge arched doorway into what was our living room. It was a huge space with several places to sit, several tables to sit things on and in the center of it all a fireplace, something that apparently was not usual for Mexico. I guess being so close to the equator made them seem ridiculous. It was a huge massive thing, made of rocks that stretched up to the ceiling. An iron screen separated the roaring fire inside from the rest of the room, protecting the white rug that laid before it over the plush tan carpet.

The room itself was a bit dark and masculine for my taste. Paneling covered the walls, the couches and chairs were almost all leather. The only thing missing were animal skulls and guns on the walls.

I made my way to the sofa directly in front of the fire and motioned Angel to join me. Everyone else scattered to the other seats in the room, fanning out like they were standing guard almost. I almost laughed at them, they made themselves into visible eavesdroppers. In fact the only person in our line of vision was Dawn and she had chosen to sit with us on the couch.

" So you've been sick ? " Angel asked, taking my hand again.

" Just tonight. I think I must have gotten a bug or something. But my health isn't what made you jump the next plane from LA. What is it ? What's wrong ? "

He slumped back against the couch and rested his hands on his knees. He seemed nervous, edgy. It wasn't something I was used to seeing in him and I really didn't like it.

" I was going to try and work up to that. " he muttered.

" Work up to what ? " I asked, unyielding as I put my hand on his shoulder. " You're scaring me. "

He looked at me, startled. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm just not sure how you are going to take what I have to tell you. " he explained.

" What, is it bad news ? What could you possibly have to tell me that you're nervous about ? "

He fidgeted. He actually fidgeted. This was Angel, someone I had taken for granted as being always in control and he was squirming in his seat like Andrew. Now I really was worried.

" Angel, Please. " I demanded, when he still hadn't answered.

" All right. " he said finally. " I have good news and I have bad news. I can't ask you which you want first because telling you one would make the other one pointless. " he rambled.

" Angel. " I said, putting my hands on his shoulders and turning him so that he was looking into my eyes. " Just tell me the bad news. "

He sighed and a resigned look rested in his eyes. " Spike's in trouble. "

I don't think one person in the room was breathing. If they were, I couldn't hear it. It was like one of those times someone always comments about saying ' you could hear a pin drop. ' Well, if we had had one you could have heard it.

" What do you mean Spike's in trouble ? " Dawn asked from behind us. She put her hand on Angel's shoulder like she was delivering some shocking news to him. " He didn't make it through the fight with the First. He's gone, Angel. " her voice was so soft and gentle I was amazed. I decided in that moment that if anyone ever had to give me devastating news, I wanted it to be her.

Angel turned to her a bit and smiled. " Yes, he did. "

For the second time in a matter of seconds the room went silent.

It was Willow that made the first noise this time, coming up behind me and putting her hand on my shoulder, as if she thought I might need steadying. She was right, I felt like I was about to fall of the couch. Before I knew it Giles was on the other side of me and everyone was looking at me like I was about to die.

" Buffy has been through quite a lot over the last few months. She isn't up for this. " I heard Giles saying.

I was just thinking that I could speak for myself when I realized I couldn't. I couldn't make my mouth work. The only thought that I could manage was - Spike made it. He's alive.

I must have said it without realizing it because Angel was looking at me and smiling.

" He's alive, Buffy. I saw him myself. "

It was at that point that everything went dark.


	3. Bad News

Chapter Three - Bad news

I woke up feeling like someone had stuffed my mouth full of cotton. My head ached and when I tried to move it, my stomach protested loudly with a wave a nausea I almost didn't make it through. I decided it was probably best to remain as still as possible.

The room was full of people and all of them were looking down at me like I was the most interesting thing they had ever seen.

I looked into their faces and tried to focus my eyes on one of them. Finally after I stared for a second, Angel 's handsome face came into view. He was the one closest to my face, standing at my shoulder and holding my hand tightly in his.

" Are you okay ? " he asked quietly, bending down so that his face was closer to mine.

" I'm fine. " I managed, around the cotton although it was difficult with my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth and all.

" Andrew went to get you some water. " he told me. " Do you want to sit up ? "

I thought about that for a second, there was nothing I wanted more than to not be laying there with all these people staring at me, then I remembered the nausea.

" I'm okay here for a minute. " I said, my voice sounded far off, distant, almost like I was talking under water.

" Has this happened before ? " he asked, looking up at Giles and Willow.

They both told him no, not that they knew of.

I was again about to tell them that I could speak for myself, when Andrew showed up with the water.

Angel put his arm under my head and helped me to sit up enough to drink it. I downed it in one gulp then wished I hadn't when it hit my stomach. This was ridiculous, What the hell was wrong with me ?

" You are going to see a doctor. " Angel said, leaving no room for argument in his tone.

It must have been some indication of how bad I felt that I didn't even try to protest.

" Tomorrow. " I answered.

I sat the rest of the way up and waved everybody away. They must have understood because everyone but Giles and Angel backed off a bit. I noticed as I looked around that Zander and Robin had both appeared while I was out.

I sat very still for a few minutes, just trying to let my head return to normal and piece together what had happened right before I passed out.

Then the thought occurred to me. He's Alive.

" Did you say Spike was alive ? " I asked, prompting Andrew to spin around from where he had been retreating from the room and come back.

Angel shook his head and rested his hand on my back. He must've thought I was going to faint again. But I managed to stay upright this time.

My thoughts whirled through my head faster than I could process them.

" Where is he ? Why isn't he with you ? " I asked, quickly, trying to vocalize everything I was thinking before it got lost in my fog-clouded brain.

Angel put his finger to my lip to quiet me. " Slow down. I don't want you to pass out again. " he said, quietly.

" Okay. See I'm taking deep breaths and I'm sitting up right. " I took several cleansing breaths to demonstrate my point.

" All right. The thing is, I also have bad news. " he began. " He's in trouble and if we don't find him soon and get to him, he won't be alive for long. "

" What do you mean, find him ? You said you saw him. Wasn't he in LA ? "

" He was but as soon as he found out where you were he started making plans to get here. He never made his flight. I still have his ticket in fact. "

" So what happened to him ? Where did he go ? " I was still feeling shaky but my brain was clearing a bit and I was beginning to not like the tone this conversation had taken. Did he just say he wouldn't be alive for long ? There was no way I was going to get him back and lose him again before I ever got to see him, to tell him how I felt.

" I got a call three nights ago, Whoever has him wants the amulet. They said if I didn't give it to them, they would kill him. "

I gaped at him. " Are you saying Spike's been kidnapped ? Isn't that Dawn's job ? "

Dawn humph at me and I smiled to let her know I was only kidding.

Angel chuckled a bit, but the grime expression never really left his face.

" This is bad, Buffy. " he told me. " I'm being told by my sources there's a new big bad out there that found out what happened with the First and they have no intention of it happening to them. "

" Reliable sources ? " I asked.

" Yeah, most of them are. " he answered.

I took a deep breath and attempted to stand. " All right then, " I said, " I say we saddle up and ride out. Where is this Big Bad ? Is he in LA ? "

Angel cast his eyes to the floor. " I have no idea. " he said, so quietly I could barely hear him.

" Then where does he want the Amulet delivered ? He had to tell you something. We'll just go there and pretend like we're giving up the goods, then jump him. " I explained. It sounded like a perfectly reasonable plan to me, but the look on Angel's face said it really, really wasn't.

He walked over to the couch and sat down. " He told me he would contact me later and I was supposed to get you and Willow and meet him where ever he wanted to meet. "

I just looked at him like he was stupid. " Okay, so no problem. We will go to LA and wait for this guy to call again. "

He sighed and sank back against he sofa again. " I don't think it's going to happen the way he wants us to believe it will. " he said, with a resigned tone in his voice. " And now I can see that you are really not up to this. "

I stared down at him, still a little unsteady on my feet. " What ? I am totally up for this. Do you mean because I passed out ? " I asked.

He just shook his head.

" I just have a bug. I bet it will be gone by tomorrow. " I tried to explain.

" Buffy, there is something going on with you. " he answered. " I felt it the minute you walked into the room. Something is different. You are not one hundred percent. "

I walked close to him and dropped down to look into his eyes. " I can handle anything I need to if it means I can save him. " I told him firmly. " Nothing is going to stop me from trying. " I had never meant anything more in my life and I did my best to make sure he understood that with my eyes.

I saw him swallow and fidget again. Good, I thought, I made my point.

" I still think there is going to be trouble. Lots of trouble. " he said, not totally backing down, but no longer contemplating leaving me here at least.

" What kind of trouble ? " I asked, standing again.

" My sources tell me that we have never come up against anything like this guy before. They are pretty sure he has no intention of letting Spike go, or the rest of us for that matter. They say that the way he sees it, if he takes us out, we are his biggest threat. Without us to ruin his plans, he'll be home free to do whatever he wants. "

" Do you think Spike's already dead ? " I asked, a cold lump forming in my stomach as I said the words.

" No, he's not dead yet. He's the one that makes the calls. " he answered.

I watched him for a minute or two. I knew there was something else going on that he wasn't telling. I could see it in his eyes, but more than that, I could almost feel it. It was something big, something that was really bothering him. I decided to let it go though. For the moment we had other things to worry about and he would tell me when he was ready or I needed to know. Like he said, it was his way.

" So when do we leave ? " Willow asked, standing and walking over to us.

Angel smiled at her. " Right after dusk tomorrow. I already have your plane tickets. " he turned to me and got a stern look on his face. " That will give you time to pack and see a doctor before we leave. "

I sighed. I had said I would. Besides, if we were going to fight a really Big Bad, I did need to make sure I was in top form and I certainly didn't feel anywhere near it.

I nodded at him.

" Can I come, too ? " Andrew asked, from where he had been standing quietly beside us all, taking everything in.

Angel glanced at him then looked to me. " I don't have a problem with it. Bring whoever you want. " he answered.

I looked Andrew up and down, taking him in. " Do you think you'll be all right if it comes to a fight ? " I asked him.

" I fought the First with you. " he reminded me.

I smiled. Spike had meant a lot to him. No, I thought, Spike means a lot to him. I had just started insisting to myself that I had to think of Spike in the past tense, now I was going to have to retrain my brain again.

Poor Brain, I thought, it doesn't know what I want from it.

" All right. I guess you can come. " I answered.

" Thank you. I want to do whatever I can to help you. " he smiled, like a kid that just got permission from his mother to do something cool.

I turned back to Angel and offered him my hand. " Come on, I'll show you your room. "

He took it and followed me to the doorway.

" I'll call the doctor for you first thing in the morning. " Andrew called after us.

I grimaced slightly. I really, really hated doctors.


	4. Tired

Chapter four - Tired

We walked hand in hand up three flights of stair, pausing to grab his suitcase, in silence. I didn't really know what I was feeling at the moment. Everything was turning around in my head so quickly I couldn't make sense of any of it.

We reached the third floor and I turned and lead him to the room across the hall from mine and went inside.

I flipped on the light inside the door and stepped back so that he could come in and sit his suitcase down on the bench at the foot of the bed.

A white chenille comforter covered the queen size bed in the middle of the room. Two small tables nestled in beside the head of the bed held a clock and a lamp. A chair and a dresser were the only two other pieces of furniture besides the bench at the foot of the bed. One door lead to a closet. Other than that, the only door was the one I was standing in.

Angel looked back at me standing there and sat down on the foot of the bed.

" Come in and talk to me for a minute. " he told me.

I hesitated before I came and sat down beside him.

" What's up ? " I asked, settling myself by pulling my leg up on the bed beside me. My knee brushed against his leg and he turned so that his back was against the foot board.

" I just wanted you to know I understand. " he told me, reaching out and taking my hands.

I must have looked confused, because he looked away from a minute like he was gathering his thoughts.

" I talked to Spike before he left to find you. " he started. " He told me everything that happened between the two of you. "

I looked around, anywhere but in his eyes. I was embarrassed and ashamed over what had happened between us. I couldn't make myself look at him.

" Everything ? " I asked, so quietly I barely heard it myself.

He squeezed my hand, " Everything. " he confirmed.

I tried to find some way of explaining the things that had happened. Someway to conveniently excuse all the things that went on. But I came up with nothing.

" I treated him so awful. " I finally managed.

Angel pulled me into his arms and hugged me. " I doesn't matter anymore. Everything that happened between you is all in the past. " He tried to comfort me. But it did matter. Everything that I had done to him and everything he did to me, it still mattered.

" What we had wasn't healthy. It was killing both of us. " I said, tears streaming down my cheeks.

" I know. " He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. " More importantly, he knows. He loves you, Buffy. He really loves you. I have never seen him like he was when he came to me. And I have never seen you like this either. "

I looked away from him and he grabbed my face and pulled my eyes back to meet his.

" I can see how much you love him. I can feel it. " he smiled, and his eyes became less severe. " I'm really happy for you and I want to do whatever I can to help you both. "

" What brought on this sudden change of heart ? " I asked, " The last time we talked about this you weren't all that thrilled with the prospect of us together. "

He sighed and leaned back, removing himself from my personal space, but staying only slightly out of it.

" I talked to him, " he answered. " Or rather, he talked and I listened. I wasn't going to tell him where you were at first. I thought maybe you thinking he was dead was for the best. I thought you could get him out of your life that way and get past whatever it was that was holding you to him. "

" And he changed your mind. " I finished for him.

" He made me see that keeping you apart would be a mistake. " Then he laughed. " The thing that got to me was that he didn't threaten me or try to make me tell him like the old Spike would have done. He reasoned with me. "

He looked at me and I could see he was still taken a little aback by that. " I can't believe how much he has changed. The man I talked to in my office a week ago, that wasn't Spike. It wasn't the Spike that I had spent almost a century with. That was William, the loving, caring intense man that I turned into a monster. "

He stared into my eyes. And his voice was heavy with emotion. " He found a way back from it. He found a way to get rid of his monster. "

I reached out and touched his cheek softly. " Just like you did. " I whispered.

" You know, of all the vamps I sired, and there were quite a few, Spike was the one I regretted. There was always a piece of William still there. I could see it in the way he took care of Drusicilla. I could see it when he got that chip put in his head. Even at his worst, it was there. I got to watch him go through the battle with the monster for longer than I cared to think about. I felt guilty for making him have to fight it. But never as guilty as I felt when I found out that monster had come after you. "

I was fighting tears again. " It wasn't your fault. You were fighting your own monster at the time. Besides if you hadn't turned him, he wouldn't have been around for me. Maybe it was fate. "

He smiled wistfully. " Maybe it was. " Then he looked at me intensely again. " I know that he tried to rape you. "

I sighed this time, putting my hands on the bed behind me I leaned back and propped myself up with them.

" That was the monster, not the man, and I might add the incident in question, made him lose his mind. " I said, definitively.

" I think it was more like what the monster turned the man into. " he corrected. " But I think losing his mind set him straight. Or at least straighter. I really believe loving you pulled him back from insanity. "

His eyes fell over my body and rested at my exposed stomach for a moment. I realized that my shirt had ridden up a bit when I leaned back and I really didn't like the concentrated look he was giving my bare navel.

I reached out to pull at my shirt, but he grabbed my hand to stop me.

" Buffy, " he whispered. I had no idea what was going on. I thought we had just covered the fact that I was in love with someone else, yet the look he was giving me was strange. Then he reached out and touched my bared stomach. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt his hand on my skin.

" What are you doing ? " I asked, trying to right myself and get out of the situation before it got even weirder.

He looked up at me with a profoundly startled look on his face. " How long have you really been feeling less than good ? " he asked me.

I looked down at his hand and tried to hide my discomfort with a joke. " Why ? Do you sense some demon in there ? Like Alien ? "

He laughed and moved his hand, but the startled look was still there.

" Angel, what aren't you telling me ? " I asked, grabbing his hand and holding on to it.

" I thought I felt something. " he mumbled, looking away from me.

He shifted and it really looked like he was going to try and change the subject on me.

" So, I'm guessing you haven't been seeing anyone lately. " he said. Yep, definitely changing the subject.

I gave him a look that told him I knew exactly what he was doing and I didn't like it at all. Besides the question was absolutely ridiculous.

" No, I haven't been seeing anyone. " I answered, with an edge to my voice.

I watched his brow crinkle and it seemed like something was making sense to him.

" Buffy, " he said, reaching out and taking my hands. " I understand how when we lose someone, sometimes it's nice to find comfort in someone else's arms. It doesn't mean we love them any less. It doesn't mean anything at all. It's just comforting. "

I backed away from him now. I was definitely UNcomfortable.

" Are you coming on to me ? " I asked, standing and trying to make my way quickly to the door.

He looked at me, flabbergasted. " What ? " he asked, standing, too. " No, of course not. I was just letting you know that it's okay that you've been sleeping with someone. I didn't mean me. " he explained in a rush. " I thought it might have been Zander. "

I just stared at him. My face was red and I was angrier than I had been in a while. " I have not been sleeping with anyone. " I said through gritted teeth. " How could you ask me something like that, knowing how I feel ? "

" I know you've had sex with someone and it really isn't my business who it was or why. I was only trying to tell you that it's okay. I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling guilty now that Spike's alive and all. " he told me stepping closer to me.

I was still angry but now it was because he didn't believe me.

" I'm telling you, there hasn't been anyone since the night before we fought the First and that was Spike. So I have no reason to feel guilty. "

" What happened that night ? " he asked, sitting back down.

I raised my arm to my head and started to massage my throbbing temple. " Why are you asking me all this ? "

" I can't believe you don't know already. I mean someone around here should have sensed something. " he answered.

" Sensed what ? " I was really getting irritated now. " What the hell are you talking about ? "

Then I remembered and stopped to look at him. " Is this about whatever Willow had sensed earlier ? "

" I don't know, what did Willow say she sensed ? "

" She said it was a presence, similar to Spike but different. I was beginning to think it was him. She said it was attached to me somehow. " I explained.

Angel shook his head and smiled. " I guess I could see how that would be what she got from it. I see it a little differently. But then she can't hear it. "

" For the last time, What in the Hell are you talking about ? " I almost shouted, really tying to hold my temper in check now.

He stepped to me and took my hands, leading me to the bed again. " I can't be sure. " he started, " But I think you're pregnant. "

For the second time that night there was a rushing sound in my ears. I put my head down and held it there in my lap, trying to wait for the sound to go away.

" I need some more water. " I said, around my tongue which had grown to an unbelievable size in my mouth.

Angel moved quicker than I thought possible and disappeared for a few minutes. When he came back he was carrying a glass.

I reached out for it with a shaking hand. Taking a drink, I looked up and saw Andrew and Giles standing beside him.

" Are you all right this time ? " Giles asked, concern evident on his face.

" I think so. " I muttered.

Andrew turned to Angel with his hands on his hips again. " What did you say to upset her ? " he glared.

I almost laughed again at the hilarious tone in his voice.

" I'm fine, Guys. It really wasn't Angel's fault this time. I just got woozy. "

Giles came to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.

" Buffy, I really don't like this. " he bent down and smiled at me tightly. " I'm worried about you. "

I smiled back. " I'm okay. Angel thinks he knows what's wrong with me. " I answered, appreciating the fatherly regard on his face.

" Really ? What is it ? " he asked, turning his face to Angel.

" Apparently, by some miracle or immaculate conception, Angel thinks I'm pregnant. " I answered.

Everyone turned to me and stared.

" What ? " Giles demanded. " How can this be ? "

Angel looked as confused as everyone else. " I have no idea. " he answered. " I just know what I felt. Or what I heard rather. "

" And just want did you hear ? " I asked.

Angel walked a little closer to me but I wasn't sure whether it was to get closer to me or further from Andrew who was still glower at him.

" I heard a heartbeat. " he said, softly.

" Are you sure it wasn't just an echo from Buffy ? " Giles asked.

Angel shook his head. " No, no I'm sure. She leaned back and I heard it. It was faint, but it was definitely different than Buffy's. "

Giles looked at me severely. " How is this possible ? "

Everyone was staring at me again. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong. I felt like a was fifteen again and had missed curfew.

" I didn't do anything. " I told them, placing the glass down and crossing my arms over my chest. I knew it was totally defensive body language, but I couldn't help it.

" Buffy, " Giles said, coming to me again and putting his arm around my shoulder. " We all love you. No one is going to think any less of you for this. " he said, his voice full of compassion and sympathy.

I stood, angry again and began to pace. " Why isn't anyone listening to me ? I told you there was no one besides Spike. That is it and it was three months ago. "

I turned to them all and raised my voice. " I have not had sex since the night before we fought the First and that was with a vampire. " I practically yelled, then turned to see Willow and Dawn standing in the doorway.

Dawn looked down at the ground and Willow smiled weakly. " Faith said you almost passed out again and we wanted to make sure you were okay. " she offered in explanation for their appearance.

I sighed and turned back to the others.

" Look, if this is true then I truly don't know how. I am not lying or covering up any sort of guilt. I am telling you that Spike is the only man I have had sex with in the last two years. He's the only one since Riley. " I said, suddenly very tired.

Angel stepped up to me and took my hands. " I believe you. Maybe this is the other rewards Spike mentioned. "

" Rewards ? " Willow asked, suddenly very interested in the conversation.

" Apparently, Buffy is pregnant and even more stunning is that it appears to be Spike's child. " Giles filled them in.

Dawn made a sound in the hall before running to me and wrapping her arms tightly around my waist.

" Oh, my God, " she gushed. " This is so wonderful. "

Willow looked like someone had hit her with a very big board or something. She just stood there staring at me.

" That's what I felt. " she mumbled. " I felt the baby. "

" Yeah, " I smiled as I saw tears welling in her eyes. " I guess you did. "

" I sensed yours and Spike's baby. That is why it was so similar to Spike, because part of it was him. " she continued.

I watched her and as I did I tried to piece together how I felt about all this. I don't think any of it had really sunk in until I watched the people I loved most in the world standing around congratulating me.

I was going to have a baby. I was going to be someone's mother. I suddenly felt very, very tired.


	5. Waiting

Chapter 5 - Waiting

I woke the next morning, after everyone had tucked me in like I was a small child the night before, to the sound of obnoxious pounding on my door.

I tossed it an evil look, then did my customary glance at the pillow beside me, but this time, I also touched my stomach and smiled.

" I'm coming for you. Just hold on. " I whispered, grazing my fingertips over the pillow.

" What ? " I called in the direction of the door.

" Breakfast. " Andrew's cheerful voice announced.

I got up slipped on my pants and went to answer the door.

He stood on the other side with a tray laden heavily with eggs, bacon, toast, coffee, orange juice and a bowl of fruit.

" You're eating for two. " he told me as I looked dishearteningly at the tray.

" Please don't start that. " I said holding the door opened. " I let you guys take advantage of me last night because I was tired. Don't expect to make a habit of it. " I warned.

Andrew turned to me with a look that said I was being absolutely preposterous.

" Of course we won't make a habit of it. " He sighed. " Spike will be here soon to take care of you. "

I just stared at him for a long while. I think in that moment I could have kissed him. He was right. Spike would be here soon. I don't think that thought had really sunk in either. Actually when I woke in the middle of the night, I had begun to think that the entire day before was a dream. I even went as far as to open my bedroom door and look across the hall.

But sure enough, the door was closed which it never was and there was a light under the door. Angel was definitely there. That meant everything else must have been true, too. I didn't think I was going to manage getting back to sleep after that. But I guess being pregnant makes things different because I drifted right back off as soon as my head hit the pillow.

" Come here and eat. " Andrew said, breaking the spell that was holding me staring at him. " It'll get cold and you have a doctor's appointment at nine o'clock. "

I glanced to the clock which read eight. I barely had enough time to get ready. I sat quickly and started eating. Unlike all the other meals I had endured over the last months, this one stuck with me. I was ravenous and I devoured everything on the tray. It was the best thing I had eaten in longer than I could remember and I didn't have to force one bit of it.

It was almost like, now that my brain understood that I knew what was wrong with me, it stopped yelling at me so loudly that there was something going on.

" Oh, good, you're up. " Giles said walking in with Willow in tow. " We wanted to talk to you about what you're going to do about Spike. "

I looked at him with a confused face. " I'm going to save him and bring him home. " I told them like they were both idiots. Well, ask a stupid question ...

Giles hesitated then took another step closer to me. " We figured with the baby and all you might not feel it was best if you were the one that went to save him. "

" What ? " I asked, shocked.

" Well, we were just thinking that if it came to a fight, you would be putting yourself and the baby in jeopardy and no one wants that to happen. " he explained.

" I am going to go get Spike and bring him home. " I repeated louder this time. " I'll have Angel with me and Willow. Hell, Andrew's even coming in case I'm not eating right. "

I sat up a little straighter. " There is nothing in this world or any other for that matter that is going to keep me from getting on that plane this evening. " I made sure my voice left no room for argument and they didn't offer any so I must have done a good job.

Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them on the hem of his shirt. " Well now that is settled. " he began. " I was thinking maybe you should take someone along with you like Faith or maybe even Zander. "

I didn't even think about that. " I am taking Andrew and Willow. You are welcome to join us but I think I'll leave the woman who makes no secret of her hatred of Spike and the guy with a bigger ax to bury in Spike's back that he could lift, here if that's okay with you. "

Giles looked like he understood. Then he grinned. " I would really like to go with you, but someone should stay here and run the school. "

I smiled, knowing that is what he would say. I actually didn't want Giles coming either. He and Spike had never really gotten along. They had tried on and off. But then Giles found out about the rape incident and he had made his feelings pretty clear ever since. But hey who would blame the guy. He thought of me like a daughter. If it had happened to my child I would have made sure there was nothing left but pieces of the guy who tried to touch her. Now here I was having his baby and telling him I was in love. I could understand why he didn't much care for Spike.

Not to mention the fact that it seemed in a lot of ways that Spike had taken me away from him. I mean, Giles and I trained together everyday until last year when I stopped training with him and went with Spike instead.

I couldn't explain to him that it wasn't personal. Spike was just my prefect sparring partner. He could push me to my limit and beyond it and we were both good enough that we didn't have to worry about the other accidentally getting hurt. With us fighting, it had always been , what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

" I understand. " I told him, " you're right we can't just drop everything here and run off. I appreciate you staying behind to take care of it. "

He nodded and left the room, leaving Willow still standing there. " Are you certain about the whole, pregnant fighting thing ? " she asked, timidly.

" I'm certain. I'll be fine. You and Angel will be there, watching my back. " I said with a decisive head shake.

" I've told you before, I'm not large with the butch. " she smiled.

" Yeah, but you are large with the magic and there are all kinds of protection spells you can use. "

She thought for a moment. " You're right. I know several, especially for the baby because it's still an innocent and all. "

" Yep, " I said, " See I knew I could count on you. "

" Can I come with you to the doctor ? I know Dawn wants to come too and if you feel like it would make you uncomfortable I understand. "

I laughed. " Yeah, you can come. It is only fair that both the baby's aunt's get to be there. And that way she won't have anything to hold over your head when it comes to baby sitting rights. "

Willow laughed back. " Well I still got to feel it first. " she answered.

The trip to the doctor consisted of me peeing in a cup and the doctor confirming what we already knew. I was indeed pregnant. In fact, I was actually three months and four days along. After a quick blood test. I learned everything was perfectly normal. I was in wonderful physical shape and there was no reason to believe that this wouldn't be a perfectly normal pregnancy resulting in an absolutely normal, completely beautiful baby.

Well that last part I threw in but I was really starting to get this whole baby thing and it left me walking about five feet above the ground, floating on a cloud when we got back to the mansion.

I walked up the stairs the exact same way, meeting Zander half way up.

" My, don't you look wonderful today. " he mused.

" I feel wonderful. " I answered.

" Having Spike alive agrees with you. " he smiled. " I am so happy for you. "

I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. " We're having a baby. " I told him over his shoulders while his arms were still locked around me.

I have never been so quickly dropped. " What ? " he asked, his voice shaky.

" Spike and I are having a baby. " I repeated.

" How is that possible ? "

" We don't know but I just got back from the doctor and it's a fact. " I answered.

" Oh, my God. " he whispered. " When are you due ? "

" February 14th, of all days. " I smiled.

" You and a once dead, but now alive vampire are going to have a baby on Valentine's Day ? " he asked, still looking shocked.

" Yep. " I answered.

Now he looked like he needed some water. " Are you telling everyone now, or are you waiting for Spike to come home ? "

It was a question I hadn't thought about. I was so excited about the news it hadn't occurred to me that he should be the first to know about this, or at least the second or third. There I went being selfish again. I didn't think about his feelings at all. But the damage was already done I guess. So there was no harm now, besides everyone that mattered to both of us already knew.

" I guess I'm telling everyone now. " I told him.

He smiled and went to the second floor railing leaning over it slightly. I watched him wondering what the hell he was doing.

" I'm going to be an Uncle. " he shouted as loud as he could.

I laughed out loud as I heard several doors open and people started coming into the foyer below to see what the yelling was about.

An entire class of S.I.T.s had converged there, along with Robin and Faith and several others.

" What are you yelling about, Zander ? " Faith called up to him.

He smiled and pulled me up beside him.

" I'm going to be an uncle. " he repeated.

Everyone stared at me for a minute. I don't think they understood what he was talking about at first, then they started to applaud and several people yelled there congratulations to me and Zander.

By the time I finished packing an hour later I had been congratulated so much I was tired of hearing the words almost. People filtered in and out of my room like it was Grand Central Station at rush hour. I was already feeling very tired again and it wasn't much past lunchtime. The doctor had warned me about the fatigue, but he also said the dizziness and nausea should be on there way out. So any news is good news.

I stopped by the arsenal, but then I remembered that we would be taking a plane, so anything weapony was out. I was just going to have to trust Angel to have the armaments covered. I was pretty sure he did.

By two o'clock I was ready to go and anxiously checking the clock every fifteen minutes. We had an eight o'clock flight. God, I hated traveling with vampires. I was antsy, nervous. I hated waiting for things.

Patience had never been one of my virtues. I really hoped the kidnappers would call us as soon as we got to LA. Angel had said Spike was the one making the calls. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice, I guess I figured it would make all this seem more real somehow.

I busied myself with some last minute preparations for the school and tried to keep from biting my nails. But the hours just seemed to creep by. I ran into Willow and Andrew both and they were all set to leave. Now the hard part was just the waiting.


	6. Smells

Chapter 6 - Smells

The plush leather of the first class seat was soft against my skin. I had chosen to wear my red backless shirt and a pair of blue jean shorts on the plane because when it comes to plane rides, I am all about the comfort factor.

I hated planes. They were just too damn small and there was no where to run if the need came up. I guess it was the slayer in me. But it made me nervous to know that there were really no usable exits available to me.

Angel sat beside me and Andrew and Willow occupied the two seats behind us. Andrew was in fact directly behind me and he kept raising and lower his tray like a five year old. It was annoying as hell and I was really proud of myself for not losing my temper and yelling at him.

Angel was holding my hand talking to me about work. We had always been pretty touchy with each other and it was nice to feel that human contact. Even if it wasn't really coming from a human.

The nausea had not in fact become a thing of the past yet and I was fighting like crazy to keep my dinner down. There were several times he asked me if I was all right. But again I was beaming with pride over the fact that I hadn't had to use one of the barf bags they give you.

The flight took us three hours but it was direct so I napped on and off and really enjoyed talking to Angel. Maybe I had missed him without even realizing it.

We had steered very clear of the talking shop in the small cabin where others could easily overhear, but it only lasted for the first hour. Then I couldn't help myself any longer.

" So tell me more about this new threat. What do you know about him ? " I asked.

Angel sighed and rested his head against the headrest. " I really don't know much. I was hoping we could hit a few of the local popular nightspots and see what we could dig up. The only things at this point that I do know are that he is pretty new around, well informed and very powerful. "

It was my turn to sigh then. I hated not knowing what exactly I was facing. The dark had never been one of my favorite places. Research and information had saved my ass almost as many times as Mr. Pointy, especially when it really counted.

" So you're saying when we get in tonight we are going clubbing ? " I smiled.

" If you're up to it. We can go tomorrow if you're too tired. " he answered.

Willow leaned up and rested her head over our seats. " Did you say we are going clubbing tonight ? " she asked, her tone excited.

" Demon clubbing. " I answered.

" Oh, " she said and sat back down.

" I'm not going to have you treating me like glass the whole way through this am I ? " I asked Angel, leveling him with a glare.

He looked away sheepishly. " I'm sorry. I just know how tired you've been. I can see how tired you are now. I don't want you to push yourself too hard. "

" I'm fine." I told him, still a little sternly. " I'll be sure to let you know if I'm not. I understand what it means to be someone's backup. " I physically made my voice softer.

" You can count on me, just like you always could. I've got you covered. "

He smiled and squeezed my hand. " All right. I'm sorry, but if you have a problem you have to promise to let me know. I won't baby you anymore as long as you promise me that. "

" I promise. " I told him. " Now what's the plan ? "

"Well, first thing we do is try to find out as much as we can about this thing before he calls us. I want as much information as I can get before we have to knock down with this, that way we will know exactly what to expect. " he answered.

It sounded like a first rate plan to me, especially since I had just thought the same thing earlier.

Angel's apartment was one of those plush, cushy places that says he was financially okay, not rolling in the big bucks, but definitely okay. Willow and I dropped our bags into his spare room and we all made our way back to the living room. We scattered to the various seating, Willow and Andrew took the two nice comfy chairs on the sides of the couch and Angel and I took the couch.

We all stretched out for a minute and just tried to relax. We were just getting settled when Angel jumped up like he had forgotten something and took off into the back of the apartment, telling us over his shoulder that he would be right back.

A minute later he was coming back into the room with something in his hands. " I thought you might like this. " he told me, handing the bundle over.

I looked at it for a second before I let out a squeal, I reached out and snatched it out of his hands, unfolding the soft, leather as I did. Spike's coat.

It fell over me like a blanket, covering me from shoulders to ankles. I breathed in the smell of it and almost cried out loud. As I sat there inhaling, all I could think about was that it smelled like home.

It's kinda funny how smells can affect you like that. I mean I could never describe exactly how Spike smelt if someone asked, but breathing in that leather jacket, it was unmistakable. It would be like trying to explain to someone what grass smelled like or a rose. You couldn't put it in words, but you recognized it the minute it hit your nose.

I wrapped myself up in his jacket and closed my eyes, just enjoying the feel of it.

" I knew you would want it. I meant to bring it with me to get you, I guess I forgot in the rush. " Angel said, sitting back down and stretching his long frame out with his feet propped on the oak coffee table in front of us.

" Thank you, " I said, knowing I could never tell him how much having it really meant to me.

" How did you get it ? " I asked, " He was wearing it when he died. "

" He didn't know, apparently, he woke up in what used to be Sunnydale wearing the same clothes we had been wearing when he went into the fight. "

" What else did he say about it ? I mean did he know how it happened ? How he got back ? "

" Not really, he was still remembering bits and pieces when he left. All he could think of was something about being rewarded for his sacrifice and that there were more rewards waiting for him. " Angel said.

" So are we going tonight or waiting till tomorrow ? " Willow asked.

I looked at her and Andrew, gauging them and shook my head. " The places we will be going, you two will stick out like a sore thumb. Angel and I will go. You guys, get on the computer and see what you can find out from the local papers about any bad stuff going on. "

Angel agreed with me, although he wasn't too sure about the papers idea. Apparently crime in LA was a lot more active than in Sunnydale and things like that just didn't make the papers here.

" It's no problem I can just hack into the police computers and see what I can find. " Willow informed him.

Angel just shook his head and went to his bedroom to change. I followed along behind him. " Just don't get caught. We don't want to get Angel in trouble with the police. " I told her over my shoulder.

" I won't get caught. " she assured me.

I slipped into a pair of black slacks and I kept the red shirt. It wasn't too badly wrinkled from the trip, considering it didn't really have a back and all. Then I pulled my hair back out of my face and secured it with a ponytail holder. That done I went back into the living room.

Angel came out a few minutes later in a pair of well-fitting black jeans and a stripped button down shirt. As soon as he came into the room, he went to the hall closet and pulled out several stakes, a crossbow with wooden bullets, two guns and a box of ammunition.

I was right he had the weapons covered.

I accepted three of the stakes and twirled one of them in my hands to get the feel of it. It wasn't Mr. Pointy but it would do for now. Sliding two of them into my back pockets, I slipped the third on into my waistband at the middle of my back.

I watched him load the guns and fill a couple of extra clips as well. I really didn't like guns and I told him as much.

" We have no idea what we might be facing. " He explained. " I want my backup to be ready for anything. "

I conceded his point and slipped the shoulder holster on that he was handing me. Putting the gun away, I took Spike's jacket and pulled it over my shoulders to camouflage it. I had to roll up the sleeves a bit and it was a little longer than I normally would have worn a jacket, but all in all it looked okay.

Angel put on a holster as well then went back into his bedroom, after grabbing the crossbow. When he came back out the crossbow was gone and he was wearing a leather sports coat. I couldn't see any of his weapons actually but I knew they were there. Although I did wonder where in the hell he was keeping the bow.

After getting Willow set up on the computer and Andrew set up in front of the television, we were off.

It felt surprisingly good to be heading out like we were. I really hadn't realized how much I missed this kind of thing since leaving Sunnydale. I should have been glad that this part of my life was over, but instead I was excited. Maybe Spike had been right all those years ago, maybe I was messed up.

I was in the middle of those dark thoughts when Angel's voice brought me out of my revelry.

" What are you thinking about ? " he asked.

" Something Spike said a long time ago. " I answered, truthfully.

" What ? " he prompted.

" He told me death was my art. That I lived for the kill. "

" Do you believe that ? " he wanted to know.

I looked down at Spike's jacket, the one I had beat the hell out of before everything turned around, the same one I had stripped off of him more times than I could count.

" I guess maybe I do. I miss this. " I told him thinking how good it felt to be with someone I could say something like that too. Most people would think I was crazy.

He just smiled at me. " I knew you wouldn't last very long, cooped up out there, not fighting the fight anymore. "

I smiled back at him. " This is my last hurray. After this I won't have much choice about whether I should settle down or not. " I touched my stomach lightly. " Life made the choice for me. "

" You are happy about the baby though, right ? "

" Nothing has ever made me happier, except maybe hearing that Spike was alive. " I answered without hesitating.

" Cause last night, you didn't seem so happy. " He was just turning into a part of town I wasn't feeling very good about. Several store fronts had busted out windows with boards over them, streetlights were out, trash littered the road on both sides. It was your basic run down neighborhood, but something in my danger sense told me there was more to it than that.

" I think I was a little taken aback last night. I didn't know what to think. " I said, trying to keep talking about what we were so I didn't have to think about where we were.

" But now everything is good ? " he made it sound like a question.

I nodded. " Yep everything is good and as soon as we find Spike and I can take him home, everything will be great. "

He frowned and turned to me after pulling into a parking space outside a noisy, rundown dive bar. " How do you think Spike is going to feel about this baby ? " he asked, seriously.

" He will think it's as wonderful as I do. " I answered.

" Are you sure ? " he said, " I mean, Spike has never been the fatherly type. We certainly aren't talking about Ward Cleaver here. "

I thought about that for a few minutes, just staring out the front window. Several people passed in front of the car as I sat there. I really had no idea how Spike would react to the baby. But Angel was right, he was definitely not the fatherly type. What would I do if Spike didn't want to have a baby ?

" Buffy ? " Angel said, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I jerked my head to look at him. " I have no idea what he'll think. " I admitted numbly.

The look on Angel's face said he really hadn't meant to open this can of worms. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you more to worry about. Sometimes I say things without thinking about it first. I'm sure everything will be fine. "

I was suddenly not very sure about that at all.


	7. Magnus

Chapter seven - Magnus

The bar we were walking towards seemed a little more run down the rest on the street. Several places in front were sporting boards instead of windows. Trash sat around the outside in heaps. More than a few colorful people lounged around against the boards or the beat up cars that were parked there.

There was no bouncer at the door, so we walked right in and I followed Angel through the crowded room to the old wooden bar in the back.

I wanted nothing more than to pull at least one of the stakes out of my pocket so that I could feel it in my hand to reassure me. My danger sense was screaming at me. An apparently diverse amount of vampires and other nastiness sat around at the small tables scattered around the tiny front room. As my eyes scanned the crowd I saw several demon type creatures that I had never encountered before and more than a few very human looking creatures that I knew without a second thought were not. There seemed to be more vampires than anything else here, which made a certain amount of sense considering that Angel had brought us here and he was one of them.

Unfortunately, in a place like this being human makes you stick out rather badly and I was getting more than a couple of hungry looks from the crowd. I felt like grabbing Angel and holding on to him, just to let everyone know I was with him. From what I knew of them, vampires rarely stepped on each others toes in such matters. So I was thinking Angel was the only reason I hadn't been harassed so far.

We walked up to the bar and grabbed a couple of stools at the end. The bartender glanced at us at first then went back to doing what he had been doing, which was nothing. He was making a pretty big show of letting us know he wasn't in any hurry to get to us. When he finally did come up, he stared at me with a hateful glare.

" We don't want her kind in here. It's not safe for the little girl. " he told Angel.

Angel's face remained impassive and he stared back at him. " The little girl is with me and if there's any trouble, I'll handle it. " he announced in a voice loud enough that it carried across the crowd so that most of those around us heard him.

The bartender nodded, " I don't want no fighting in my place. If there's something to handle, take it outside. "

Angel nodded back. " You won't have any problem from me. " he answered.

Angel ordered a glass of blood for himself and for lack of anything better to drink for me, a water. I looked away as he downed his glass quickly, but turned back to him when he made a noise and sat the glass down.

" What the hell is this shit ? " he asked the bartender. " I figured you'd have something better on tap than this. "

" If you don't like the refreshments, leave. " he told him.

" I need to talk to Magnus. " Angel said.

The bartender blinked and a few of the vamps that had been standing near us moved a bit closer.

" I don't know who you're talking about. " he answered, his face blank.

Angel lowered his voice and said something to the guy I couldn't really hear, but it must have worked because before I knew what was happening, we were being escorted by the vamps to a door in the inner room of the bar.

This room was a little more crowded than the front had been. I was feeling more nervous by the second, knowing without looking that our exit had been cut off. Now if we needed to get out in a hurry it would be a bloodbath. I just prayed that it wouldn't be mine or Angel's blood.

We walked through the door with two beefy looking vamps in front of us and two more taking up the rear. Somehow they had managed to sandwich us between them. I really didn't like that.

The door opened to a long dimly lit hallway that had one door leading off to the left and another at the end. We passed the first door and continued on to the one at the opposite end of the hall.

One of the vamps rapped on the door and a gruff, graveled voice called from inside.

" What is it ? "

" Someone here to see Magnus. " our escort announced.

" Magnus isn't in the mood for visitors. " the other called.

" He'll be in the mood for this one, Charlie sent them back. "

There was a few minutes pause before I heard the sliding of bolts and the rattle of chains. Apparently this Magnus guy was more than a little paranoid.

The door opened to a green skin, body builder type with enough muscle he probably could have thrown Angel and I both with one hand. I instinctually took a step back from him, but the vamps behind me gave me a push and I was moving forward.

We were lead to the outside of yet another door. Then everyone stopped moving and looked at us.

" You can leave your weapons here. " Green-skin told us.

I throw a look to Angel but he was already taking the gun from his holster and handing it to one of the guards, so I followed suit.

When we were done, I noticed that Angel seemed to have been missing one of the stakes he got earlier and the crossbow. It made me feel a little better knowing that he still had something up his sleeve, because I was feeling very, very vulnerable at the moment.

The vampires patted us down, mine managed to cop a feel in the process. But they still missed the stake and the bow. We were still looking good.

Then after a head shake from Mr. Touchy feely, Green skin opened the door.

The office was not at all what I would have expected from looking at the outside of the place. It was roomy and comfortable. An oriental rug laid out, covering a hardwood floor. White walls were covered in various dark theme art work. A huge solid oak desk sat in the middle of the room, with two leather chairs in front of it, and a plush black leather couch sat to the side. The couch was currently occupied by two repulsively flashy female vampires with way too much hair and not near enough clothing.

To the right of the chair behind the desk stood another female, but this one was different, she was dressed like I was. A pair of black slacks, a modest blue shirt and a suit jacket. Her long black hair was secured in a utilitarian braid and she regarded us both with vibrant blue eyes.

The man behind the desk was the one that held my attention though. He was lounging in his chair, face relaxed and smoking a cigar, which he held in long slender fingers. His black hair was pulled back at the nape of his neck in a ponytail which gave a slight flip letting you know that the hair was wavy. A neatly trimmed, black mustache and goatee covered the lower half of his face. His shoulders were broad as was his chest. But it was his eyes that really got me. They were intense, observing everything around him and old. They carried a weight to them that said he had been around longer than any of us and he had seen and done more than we could imagine.

He tossed a glance over my shoulder and green-skin and the other vamps disappeared taking the two women from the couch with them, leaving just him, us and the other woman alone.

" Angel, " he said, looking me up and down in a way that made in profoundly uncomfortable. " You have a lot of nerve bringing a human into my place. "

Angel stood his ground, leveling him with a look that showed nothing. " I need some information. " he told him, ignoring his comment.

Magnus drew his eyes away from me and landed them on Angel.

" Information is a very valuable commodity."

Angel went to the chair in front of the desk and sat, I followed him and took the other. Then realized I may have made a mistake when both the vampires behind the desk stared at me.

" You're human is very bold. " Magnus told Angel, still not taking his eyes from me.

" She isn't my human and she has every right to be as bold as she wants. " Angel informed him.

Magnus blinked and looked back to Angel. " Really ? Why is that ? "

" She's the slayer. "

I flashed a look at Angel but he was still looking at Magnus. The two men just sat there staring at each other.

" From what I'm hearing that isn't all that impressive anymore. There seemed to be more slayers about than you can count all of a sudden. " Magnus said.

" That maybe true but this is the original. " Angel announced.

I shifted uncomfortably, then immediately tried to still my pulse which had started racing. I wasn't sure what the Hell Angel thought he was doing but I knew without a doubt everyone in the room could hear how nervous I was.

Magnus was staring at me now, regarding me with those eyes. " Now that is a bit more impressive. " he said. " What is it that you want from me ? "

" I need information. " Angel repeated his earlier statement.

" And in exchange ? " Magnus asked. " Did you bring me the slayer as a gift ? "

Angel smiled. " That's not exactly what I had in mind. "

The other man shifted his attention back to Angel. " You didn't come into my place of business to threaten me, now did you, Angel ? That would not be a very good idea. "

" I'm not threatening. " Angel said, his voice still unchanged. " I just want to know about the new Big Bad that's risen over the last few weeks. "

Magnus smiled at him slyly. " What about him ? "

" Whatever you know that will help us get to him. " Angel informed him. " I understand he was been giving you some problems. "

" It's nothing I can't handle on my own. "

" The slayer has her own problems with him. Why not tell us what you know and let her take care of it for you ? "

Magnus sat back in his chair and thought about that for a second. " What kind of problems do you have with him, Slayer ? " he asked, looking at me.

I wet my dry lips and tried my best to put on my tough girl face. " He has something that belongs to me. " I answered. " I intend to get it back. "

Magnus smiled. " You must be referring to Spike. "

I blinked. " Yes, I am. "

" My, my Spike really has moved up in the world. I knew he liked doing slayers but to get one so fired up that she would fight to get a chance to kill him herself, that is something. " he said.

I wasn't sure if I should correct him or not, so I decided to keep quiet unless I needed to talk.

" Are you going to tell us what you know ? " Angel asked, bringing the conversation away from me.

" How could I not ? I mean this looks like a win - win situation to me. If you manage to kill this guy, he leaves me alone. If he kills you, there are two less vampires to deal with and most importantly, one less slayer. " Magnus told him.

Angel smiled. " I thought you'd see this my way. "

" Unfortunately, all I really know about him is that he isn't a vampire. He is a demon. He's power hungry and ambitious and he calls himself the Avenger. Other than that all I can tell you is that most of his attacks that involve my territory are concentrated in the Haskel Docks District. "

Angel rose and I followed suit. " Thank you. I appreciate your cooperation. " he said.

Magnus nodded, " Anytime I can help the slayer. "


	8. Doubts and Voices

Chapter Eight - Doubts and Voices

We were back outside sitting in Angel's car within ten minutes. Our exit had been quick, taking just enough time to gather our weapons again. I was staring out the front window wondering exactly what it was we had just learned and as an afterthought, feeling grateful no one had died.

" Well, that was enlightening. " Angel commented as he started the car and pulled away.

" It was ? " I asked, yanking my seat belt on.

" Well, we got a name and a sort of location. The Haskel Docks isn't a very big area. We should start searching around there tomorrow night. " Angel explained. " Although I wonder what this thing wants with the Amulet if it isn't a vampire. "

I thought about that, it hadn't occurred to me before but he did have a point. Why would a non vampire want an artifact that killed vampires ? Then another thought occurred to me.

" What if he really doesn't care anything about the Amulet ? " I asked.

Angel glanced at me as he rounded a corner. " Then why kidnap Spike ? "

I frowned and continued to stare. It was a very good question.

" Maybe Spike did something to him in the past. I mean he calls himself the Avenger. Maybe this is all about some sort of revenge. " I mused, more to myself than Angel.

" Spike does have a way of pissing people off. " Angel agreed.

" What did he say that got you to change your mind about him ? "

Angel blinked and turned towards me.

" He said he knew you would never love him. " he said, quietly. " But that just being near you was worth loving you and not being able to have you. "

I wiped at my burning eyes with the back of my hand. " He still doesn't believe that I love him. "

Angel nodded. " No, he thinks you just told him because he was going to die. But he said, hearing you say it made dying somehow okay. "

The tears were flowing pretty readily now. I had no hope of stopping them. Did I love him that much ? Did I love him as much as he obviously loved me ?

I stared down at his coat wrapped around me and rested my hand against my stomach. What if everything fell apart because I didn't love him as much ? What if we could never make it work because we would never be on equal footing ? What if knowing how much he loved and adored me tempted me into using him again ?

" Are you okay ? " Angel asked, touching my arm.

" I don't know anymore. " I answered.

" What's wrong ? What are you thinking ? " he prompted.

" I was just thinking about everything. What a mess everything had become. " I lied, well it wasn't really a lie. I was thinking about the past in a round about way.

" Everything will be fine. " he assured me.

" I'm not so sure. " I answered.

" I thought everything was good now. Spike is alive and you're having a baby. " he smiled. " Life is great. "

I managed to muster a smile for him and he took that, I guess, as my agreement. I was glad. I wasn't sure where this line of thinking was going and I didn't feel like sharing it yet.

We sat silently for the rest of the ride home and I went promptly to my room as soon as we got in. I needed time to think about all the thoughts that were whirling around in my head.

Was I being selfish again ? Did I love him enough to keep him with me ? Was I even capable of loving someone as much as he loved me ? I had given so much of myself away over the years that I wasn't sure if I had that much to give now. Spike loved me so much it scared me. I had to wonder if it was even healthy to feel like that about someone else. I couldn't deal with another repeat of what happened during the few months that we were together before he got his soul. And now we were bringing a baby into the whole thing, too. The kind of obsessive, damaging relationship we once shared could not be repeated. It had nearly killed us both. In fact, it made him lose his mind. It literally drove him insane.

Could I risk that again ? Could I risk hurting him so much again ? Or was it better if I walked away and let him get on with his life ? Was I opening an old wound for both of us that neither of us had managed to fully heal ?

Maybe I was. Maybe we would never be right together.

I knew I loved him. I knew that without a doubt. Life without him had been horrible. But would it heal eventually like everyone had been telling me it would ? Was loving Spike something I would get over with time ?

How would I ever know exactly how I felt about him ?

I fell asleep with all things running through my mind and no answers to any of them. I think I heard Willow come in sometime later, but my exhausted mind refused to wake up enough to even acknowledge her. My dreams were dark and unsettling. I tossed and turned through out the night. Questions about my feeling and the situation in general continued to flow through my mind even in sleep.

I woke up early the next afternoon, more tired than I was before I went to sleep.

After getting up and taking a shower I went to the kitchen and riffled through Angel's cabinets trying to find something to eat. I wasn't having much luck and was about to give up when Andrew appeared in the doorway with two bags of groceries in his arms.

" Angel didn't have much food here. " he told me setting the bags down on the white, tiled counter. " I guess he really doesn't need any though. "

I smiled and began helping him unload the sacks. " I guess not. "

" So what happened last night ? Did you find out anything that helps ? "

I sighed heavily. " We have a name and a possible location. "

He turned to me and smiled brightly. " That's wonderful. Are you going there tonight ? "

" It looks that way. We're going to start searching as soon as the sun goes down. "

He looked at me intensely, as if trying to read something from my face. " Then why aren't you happier about all this ? "

I slumped my shoulders and stopped unpacking. " I don't know. I'm not sure what I should do now. "

His faced looked like he had just swallowed something vile. " What do you mean, you're not sure what to do ? "

" I mean I don't know how I feel any more. " I told him. Talking to Andrew had always made me feel better before, maybe he could help.

" Buffy, that's ridiculous. You know how you feel about him. " he answered.

" I know how I feel, the problem is I also know how he feels. I just can't help but wonder if I love him as much as he loves me. " I explained.

" What difference does it make who loves who more ? " he asked, " You love each other. That's all that's important. This isn't a competition. "

I blinked back the tears that had once again began to form. " I just don't want it to turn out like it did last time. It was awful, Andrew. It was twisted and sick and perverse. I can't live through that again. And now we have the baby to think about, too. "

He came to me and put his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye. " Do you love him enough that you want to share your life with him ? "

I thought about that for exactly two seconds. " Yes. "

" Then everything will work out. It'll be fine. " he assured me. " That's all you have to remember. You want to SHARE your life with him. That means you have to SHARE his life also. "

I stared back into those naïve, blue eyes and saw something there that I hadn't seen before. Andrew had always seemed a bit flaky to me, but right now, in that moment there was a wisdom there.

I smiled and put my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. " Thank you. " I whispered.

" Last time, you hated yourself for loving a monster. " he told me over my shoulder, smoothing my hair. " This time you don't have any reason to feel guilty for loving him. Just let yourself be happy. "

" Spike hasn't been a monster in a long time, if he ever really was one to begin with. " I answered.

He leaned back to look me in the face. " I've always known that. I'm glad you finally realized it, too. "

I put my head back on his shoulder and let him hold me for a few more minutes. It felt nice to be comforted like that. There had been so many times during our short time together, that I just wanted Spike to hold me like this. But I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow us to comfort each other. I had seen it in his face so many times, his need to put his arms around me and try to make the world go away. But I couldn't let myself be consoled then. I couldn't let him soothe away my troubles. Now I wished I had.

It wasn't long before my stomach was protested it's lack of nourishment so loud that we both heard it.

Andrew laughed and let his arms fall away. " I guess we better feed that baby, before it tries to escape and find it's own food. "

I laughed with him. " I guess so. "

Then I thought I heard the phone ring and I tilted my head, straining to see if I had. It wasn't the house phone, so it must have been Angel's cell. By the second time it happened I didn't hear it again. So I figured he got it and made myself content to watch Andrew as he went about making something for us to eat.

A few minutes later, Angel emerged from the bedroom with a slight grin on his face and the phone in his hand.

" Someone wants to talk to you. " he announced holding the phone out to me.

I stared at the phone in his hand and my pulse jumped, my stomach flopped and a lump formed in my throat all the same time.

" Is it - ? " My voice broke off and Angel nodded at me in encouragement.

My hand was shaking as I took it from him and held it up to my ear.

" Hello, " I breathed.

" Hello, Luv. " That voice that I had heard in my head over and over in the last months answered smoothly, in it's rich English accent.

" Oh, my God. " I whispered. I knew that I would be talking to him soon, but actually hearing him hadn't been anything like I had imagined. " You're really alive. "

" Buffy ? " he asked, " Are you okay ? I can barely hear you. "

I cleared my throat and tried again. " I can't believe you're really alive. "

" Yep, right as rain. " and I could see the smile on his face. " Well, not completely right. I was on my way to you when this wanker nabbed me. "

" Where are you ? " I asked.

" I'm in a cave like thing. I have no idea. One minute I was at Angel's getting ready to leave, the next I was here. " he answered, then he lowered his voice. " Thank you for coming. "

" Thank you ? " I asked incredulously. " Of course I came. I love you. "

There was silence for a moment. " Slayer, you don't have to do that anymore. " He said, finally.

" Spike, I'm telling you that I love you. I should have told you sooner. I should have let you know months ago. I'm sorry. "

" You have nothing to be sorry about. " he told me. " Look, I only have a second. This stupid nit is standing over me. Is Willow there ? "

He hadn't answered me. I thought that after all this time, we would finally get our, I love you, too. But it hadn't happened. " Yes, she's here, Andrew, too, but I don't understand why I needed to bring her. "

" Andrew ? " he asked.

" Yeah, he came along. Why did Willow need to be here ? "

" I can't tell you. I'm supposed to say that you all need to meet him in Las Venero, Nevada tomorrow night, eleven o'clock. A bar called the Watering Hole and bring the Amulet. "

" Andrew, too. "

" He said, yeah, definitely bring Andrew, too. "

" Nevada ? " I questioned. " I thought you were here in LA. "

" Apparently not. I have no idea where I am. But I have to go. "

Then I heard a bit of a scuffle and Spike shouted, " Buffy, it's War- " then the phone went dead.

I just stood there listening to the dead phone for several minutes. What had he been trying to tell me ?

" Well what happened ? " Angel asked.

" I'm not sure. " I answered. " He was trying to tell me something but he got cut off. He said it was war, whatever that means. "

" What else did he say ? " Angel asked, taking the phone back.

I gave him all the information I got and frowned. " I don't understand. This demon thing wants Willow, Andrew and I specifically. Maybe that's the key to figuring this thing out. "

Angel's brow furrowed as he looked at me. " Get Willow and everyone meet me in the living room. Let's piece together what we know and see what we don't. "

I nodded my agreement and left for the bedroom.


	9. war

Chapter nine - War

" So let's try to figure out what we know and what we don't know. " Angel announced pacing in front his large entertainment system.

I settled into my seat on the couch and looked to Andrew and Willow who were sitting in chairs on either side of me. Andrew was still eating his sandwich and Willow was sipping on a cup of coffee that still had steam rolling off of it in waves.

" We know that he calls himself the Avenger. " I offered.

" And we know that he has a special interest in You, Spike, Willow and Andrew. He asked for the three of you. " Angel added. " Which means it has to be something you pissed off in the past. "

I looked to the ceiling. " My God, Angel. It would be easier to get the phone book and pick a name at random than it would be to narrow down my list of enemies. "

Willow sat her cup down on the small table beside her and nodded. " I agree. We shouldn't use Buffy to figure this out. And Spike is probably not a good idea either. He has almost as many enemies as Buffy if not more. " She picked up her cup again. " But maybe if we look at Andrew or me, we could figure it out. I mean I haven't made that many people angry and I know Andrew hasn't. Besides, Andrew has been with us such a short time. That should narrow it down a bit. "

We watched her intently and followed her train of thought. It made sense.

" What else do we know for sure ? " Angel asked.

" He's in Nevada or at least he's going to be tomorrow night. " I piped up.

" Why Nevada ? " Andrew pondered.

" I've never been to Nevada in my life. " Willow said.

" Me, either. " I added.

" There are parts of Nevada that have some incredible power sources, maybe he's drawing off of them. " Angel offered.

" Let's get off the where and go back to the who. " I said. " Spike was trying to tell me something before the phone got snatched away. He said it was war. "

" War ? "Andrew asked, " What is that supposed to mean ? "

" What do the three of you and war have in common ? " Angel said. " It can't be the First that was taken care of. And Andrew wasn't around for Glory. "

" But he was around when my arch nemesis were. " I answered and the thoughts were coming to me so fast then that I bet I had a light bulb shining over my head. " That's what Spike was trying to say. " I muttered. " It wasn't war. He just didn't get to finish. "

Everyone looked at me with three very different expressions, all ranging from, confused from Angel, terrified from Andrew and understanding from Willow.

" It's Warren. " she breathed. " That's why he wants all of us. Buffy, because she's the slayer and she ruined his life in his mind. Andrew because he betrayed him by going over to the enemy's side and me... " she trailed off and her eyes got a far off, unfocused look.

" What did you do to him ? " Angel asked, eying her curiously.

Tears streamed down her cheeks as her eyes came back into focus. " I tortured him, skinned him alive then killed him for what he did to Buffy and Tara. "

Everyone was silent, staring at the ground. I don't think any one of us knew what to say to that. I knew it was the most awful thing that had ever happened to her. She still lived with the memory of it everyday. I had seen her struggle. That had been the moment that she saw what kind of power she held inside her. She felt guilty and ashamed. She had never recovered from what happened that night, she probably never would.

I got up and went to her. She was sobbing now, with her legs folded tightly into her chest, resting her head on her knees.

" It's okay, Willow. It's over now. " I whispered.

The men were shifting uncomfortably.

" It isn't over. He's come back for us because it isn't over. I deserve whatever he wants to do to me. " she sobbed.

" Willow, he was an evil man and you lost control. " I told her. " Don't you think losing Tara was payment enough. "

" What did he do to Tara and Buffy ? " I heard Angel ask Andrew quietly.

" He shot them. " Andrew answered. " He killed them both. "

Willow calmed down after a few minutes but there was still an uncomfortable tension in the room. Angel was watching her like he was afraid of her. Andrew was looking guilty for his part in the whole thing and I was trying to be everyone's friend at once.

We went on like that for a while, no one saying anything and everyone avoiding everyone's eyes. Then I had finally had enough.

" Okay, we aren't getting anywhere like this. " I announced, standing and going back to my place on the couch. " We need to find out how the hell Warren managed to come back to begin with. I mean, I see that this isn't the usual pattern of things around here, but in most cases, dead is dead. "

" Obviously not. " Andrew muttered, throwing me a look.

I had died twice. He was right. And Spike was supposed to be dead and wasn't and now we had a newly arisen Warren. This was getting ridiculous. If things kept going this way, cemeteries all over the country were going to go out of business.

" There are a number of ways it could have happened. " Angel reasoned. " Did he get bitten before he died ? " he cast a cautious glance at Willow when he said it.

" No, " I answered. " Magnus said he was a demon, not a vampire and if he was a vampire, I mean I know Spike is a little rusty, but do you really think a fledgling could have taken him ? "

Angel shook his head. " No, he seemed in pretty good shape when I saw him. And when I came home, there was stuff everywhere. He put up a fight. "

" What could have made him a demon ? " I asked, to no one in particular.

" Another demon could have right after he died, I mean. " Andrew offered.

" What do you mean another demon ? How ? " I asked.

" Well, there are several forms of demon that can bring those with truly black souls back to life in there image. If there had been another demon around and he saw what happened, if he was at the right place in the right time. He could have done it. " he explained.

" I've heard of that happening before. " Angel agreed.

" So another demon happened upon him and turned him into something like himself and now he is trying to get revenge on us. " I summed up.

" He would need help right now though. " Angel said. " Even with demons, fledglings don't have the kind of power we are talking about this guy supposedly having. How long ago did this happen ? "

" About a year. " I answered. " Maybe a little longer. "

" Thursday will be the one year anniversary. " Willow answered, quietly.

Angel looked at her. " Thursday is tomorrow. "

" What does that mean ? " Andrew asked.

" Well, if he made a contract with a demon, which is another way of becoming one, most of them have clauses. If the clause said, for instance, he had a year to tie up any lose ends he left while he was alive, then the day could be important.

" Well, then we should be getting ready to get to this Las Venero tonight. " I announced standing.

" We aren't supposed to meet him until tomorrow. What if he isn't there yet ? " Andrew asked.

" Warren was never large on the common sense. " I explained. " Most likely he just told us exactly where his hide out is and exactly where Spike is, too. "

" And since we won't be expecting us until tomorrow, we are going to surprise him tonight. " Andrew said, following my line of thinking.

" That's the plan. " I confirmed.

" Sounds like a good one. " Angel agreed.


	10. Trouble

Chapter ten - Trouble

We all stood and went our separate ways to get things ready. I hurried through packing my bag, which wasn't hard since I hadn't unpacked it the night before. Willow did the same.

I watched her carefully. She seemed all right now, but I could tell all this was bringing up things from her past that she might not be ready to deal with.

Someone knocked on the door and I opened it to find Angel standing on the other side with a perplexed look on his face.

" I just thought of something. " he said. " I was booking us plane tickets to Nevada and it occurred to me that we won't be able to take any weapons with us on the plane. "

I frowned at him. He was right. I hadn't thought about that either. " Well, we can drive. Nevada is like what five hours away. But we have no idea how far this Las Venero. "

" It's on the state line between here and Nevada. It would take about six hours in a car. " Andrew said, coming down the hall. " I even printed a map. "

He waved the paper in front of us and I took it. It was interstate most of the way to Nevada, then it looked like a pretty big highway.

" I guess we drive. " I answered, tucking the map into my back pocket.

Angel smiled and chuckled softly. " There is another small problem with that plan. "

I stared at him, not understanding at first, then it dawned on me. " I'll drive, you can get under a blanket or something in the back. "

He laughed. " I'm going to ride for six hours in a car under a blanket. " he muttered.

" If you wanna come with us, you are. " I answered.

" What if I say no ? " he smiled.

I gave his chest a playful push. " Then I'll take your keys and run outside with them. What are you going to do, chase me ? "

We all laughed for a minute.

" Are you really sure your up to this ? " he asked me.

I thought about that. " I have to be. I don't have a choice. "

" That doesn't answer my question. " he told me. " You're not my back up this time. I'm yours and if I need to be more, you've got to tell me. "

" I'll be fine. " I answered. " With you and Willow to help me, I'll be great. "

He glanced to Willow. " You have everything you need for the spells ? "

" Yep. " she answered, patting a little black bag that looked like a makeup case that she carried over her shoulder.

" Good, let's go get our arsenal together and we can hit it. With any luck we'll get there just about dusk. " he said, walking back down the hall.

We all followed him and I watched in amusement as he opened the hall closet and quite literally pulled out an arsenal. I mean, guns, stakes, bows, I think he even had a spear there somewhere. He put everything in a bag that looked like it was for carrying shotguns or rifles and threw it over his shoulder.

We all grabbed our bags and headed out.

When we got to the car, we threw everything but Angel's blanket and a picnic basket that Andrew had packed while we were getting weapons together, in the trunk and we all settled in.

Angel slumped in his seat trying to stay as much out of the windows as possible and Andrew helped him make sure the blanket was completely covering him before we left his parking garage. Leave it to Angel to think about finding an apartment with a covered garage.

Willow sat beside me alternating between flipping through radio stations and napping. Andrew hummed to himself most of the trip except for the occasions when he was either sticking his head out the window like a dog, or trying to poke food down us. Angel griped about the blanket.

I just drove and thought.

How was I going to convince Spike that I really did love him ? How was I going to make him understand how I felt ? And what the hell was he going to think about the baby ?

I still didn't have the answers six and a half hours later when we crossed the border into Nevada.

The sun had started to set a bit and Angel had begun to peek out from under his blanket, not being able to stand it any longer. I really couldn't blame him, I hated not being able to see where I was going. It must have been murder for a control freak like him.

" We're here. " I said, getting everyone's attention as I slowed down in front of a sign that read Las Venero, Nevada, Population 468.

" Small town. " Angel muttered, behind me, shucking the blanket completely, now that the Sun had finally completely set.

" Yep, " I answered, slowing my speed down to a crawl. I really didn't want to get stopped by a policeman with all the firepower we were carrying in the trunk. " What now ? "

" We go to the Watering hole and ask around. " Angel offered.

" Any ideas where it is ? " I asked.

" No, but in a town this size I can't imagine it'll be to hard to find. " he answered.

He was right. Sitting about halfway through town, right on the main highway was a dilapidated old building with a neon sign above it proclaiming it to be the Waerng Hoe. The sign hung at an odd angle like it was about to fall through the roof any second and by the looks of the building, It was going to go all the way to through the floor when it did.

It wasn't the kind of trashed out looking place Magnus' had been. It was different, more old and decrepit than run down and dirty. The front glass door was grimy and had definitely seen better days. The parking lot was vacant except for two trucks parked on the side.

We all got out and stretched our legs before heading to the trunk. Angel unzipped his gun shaped bag and started handing out weapons. I took three stakes, two large knives and a gun just for good measure. He loaded the others down, too. And before he closed the trunk I got into my bag and pulled Spike's coat out, slipping it over my shoulder and pausing long enough to roll up the sleeves. Then we started to go inside.

Willow stopped us before we got to the door. " Should I do the protection spells before we go in and find out it's too late ? " she asked.

" Maybe you should. " Angel agreed.

I sighed, anxious to get inside and find Spike but my good sense won out and I relented and headed back to the car.

Once there, she took several items out of her bag and began mumbling something I couldn't hear or understand under her breath. But within minutes, a bright blue light shot from her fingertips and moved over me, concentrated mostly on my stomach. I couldn't tell any difference after the light dissipated but she said it worked so I trusted her.

Finally, after she put everything back in her bag and flung it back over her shoulder, we headed inside.

The inside of the place was actually quite a bit nicer than the outside. A television showed the news in the corner over an old wooden bar, complete with a gold rail at the bottom. Several stools sat in front on it and the back wall was lined with glasses and bottles of all sorts. The sign that read rest rooms sat over a door leading down a darken hall opposite the front door. Another door sat closed behind the bar with a red neon sign over it that read exit. Dead animal skulls adorned the walls along side artwork with horses and other live stock. Several small tables with red checkered clothes over them were sitting entirely too close together throughout the small room.

The place had really looked much bigger on the outside. There was probably a pretty large storeroom in the back through the door behind the bar.

The places' only occupants were an old man slumped against the bar intently watching the television and the bartender who was also old and also watching the TV.

We went to the bar and sat down on four stool opposite the old man.

The bartender nodded politely as he walked over to us. " What can I get you folks ? " he asked in a jovial tone.

Angel smiled at him and ordered drinks for everybody but me. I ended up with a coke.

" We're actually looking for someone. " Angel told the man as he sat the drink down in front of each of us. " Maybe you can help us. "

" I'd be glad too if I can. " he answered, smiling brightly.

" Guys name is Warren, do you know him ? "

The man's brow furrowed as he thought about it. " Can't say that I do, but we get a few people in here that keep to themselves, so I don't know much about them. "

" We're supposed to be meeting this guy here but I think we're a little early. " Angel explained.

" Well the crowd doesn't really come in until around nine, but you're welcome to grab a table and wait on him if you want. "

I glanced at the watch my wrist. It was barely seven o'clock. I was not all that thrilled with the prospect of sitting around for two hours waiting.

Then I got an idea. " You wouldn't by any chance know of any under caves around these parts, would you ? " I asked.

The man gave me a strange look at first but the smile came back pretty quickly.

" We got lots of caves on the outskirts of town. Spelunkers, right ? " he asked.

" Yep. That's us. " Willow jumped in. " Spelunkers. "

" You just get back on the main road and follow it through town, then there will be a road on the right hand side right after you pass the population sign. There's a pretty extensive cave system out that way. You have equipment, right ? "

I stared at him blankly. But Angel spoke up. " Yep, we have everything we need. " he answered.

" If this Warren fellow comes in looking for you, you want me to tell him where I sent you ? " he asked.

" No ! " We all said at once.

Then Angel cleared his throat and tried to regroup. " We'll come back here. Don't tell him anything about us even being here. We want to surprise him. "

The man eyed us suspiciously. " I thought you said you were supposed to meet him here. " he said, cautiously.

" We are but it's a surprise meeting. " I offered with a bright smile.

" You all aren't going to be causing any trouble are you ? Cause the local law don't like trouble. "

" Us ? " Willow answered. " No, no, we won't be any trouble. "

" No trouble at all. " Andrew added.

The man nodded at us and went back to check on the guy at the other end of the bar.

We finished our drinks quickly and headed back out to the car.


	11. Discoveries

Chapter Eleven - Discoveries

" What the hell is a spelunker and what equipment are we going to need ? " I asked as soon as we got to the car.

" Cave explorers, " Andrew answered. " You know harnesses, and flashlights. That kind of stuff. "

" Oh, I get it. " I said.

I was staring out the front of the window again, casting glances at Angel occasionally. I really needed to think about whether or not I was going to need him to be more than just my back up. I felt all right but I wasn't really sure whether or not I was up to taking on something like this.

I sighed heavily and dropped my head against the head rest.

" What is it ? " Angel asked. " Are you okay ? "

I managed a weak smile and nodded. " Yep, good to go. " I answered, really trying to make myself believe it, too.

" You don't seem all that good to go. " he answered.

" I'll be fine. " I said, definitively.

" You know, " he said, reaching over and touching my hand. " It's not a crime to not be top form one hundred percent of the time. It doesn't make you weak. It just makes you human. "

I sighed again. " I know, but in my position it does make you weak. I can't ever let the enemy see that they might have an advantage. I have to be in top form all the time. And if not I at least have to pretend like I am. " I chuckled. " You know, never let 'em see you sweat. "

I laughed back. But then he sobered again. " I just want you to know that I'm here for you. "

"So are we. " Willow said, leaning up and touching my shoulder.

" You'll be fine. " Andrew added.

I thanked everyone just as we came up to the road the bartender had told us about. It was a dirt, gravel road that made the car bump with every pot hole. I unconsciously pulled Spikes coat tighter around me and tried to take a few deep breaths to ease the tension that had been building away.

The only light came from our headlights and as we continued down the road, it began to get narrower and narrower until finally it just disappeared all together into the side of what looked like a mesa.

We all got out after Angel eased the car to a stop and started to search around the rock in front of us.

It didn't take much searching to find the big whole in the side, just wide enough for two people to walk through at the same time. Gravel shifted under my boots and I consciously tried harder at being quiet. Willow and Angel didn't make a sound as they moved forward, but Andrew was being very unsuccessful at the stealth. I was pretty sure that if someone was inside they could hear him coming without having to listen hard.

Willow put a hand on mine and Angel's shoulders to stop us. And we paused, turning towards her.

She mumbled something quietly under her breath and a soft glow seemed to encompass Andrew feet, then disappeared.

She shook her head in approval and nodded for us to continue. When we did, we could no longer hear Andrew's footsteps.

We walked noiselessly down a long corridor decorated only by light brown colored rock walls and an occasional stalagmite or was it stalactite. I never could remember the difference. But these were coming from the ceiling at any rate.

About ten meters in, the wall on the left opened up to reveal another passage and the main corridor continued as far as we could see.

I stepped up to the new opening and peered down it as far as the flashlight in my hand would let me see. It looked about the same as the main one had.

I turned to Angel and whispered that it was clear, then we headed down that way. We could hear water dripping into what sounded like a large pool as we walked. The sound grew louder as we continued towards, adding an echo suggesting a large chamber.

The passage made a small turn and I let Angel check it out this time, mostly because he really didn't need a flashlight to see what was ahead. Being able to see in very dim light was one of his perks.

He peered around the corner then nodded to us and we all went forward, turning the corner and coming into a large chamber with a pretty good sized body of water in the center. There were several rock outcroppings around the edges of the water and even more of those stalactite / stalagmite thingys.

I drew the flashlight around in an arch and let it fall to the furthest corner, making sure nothing was lurking in the darkness. Then my danger sense started screaming at me. I caught the movement of Angel spinning around out of the corner of my eye, like he had sensed something, too.

It was Andrew that made the first noise, followed closely by Willow. It was a small humph sound like the air had been knocked out of them.

I whirled around to find Andrew sprawled on the ground and Willow trying her best to steady herself against the wall.

A man was standing over Andrew with a sort of club thing in his hand.

I reached inside my waistband grabbed the stake and aimed at his chest before he had a chance to pounce on poor Andrew.

He stopped short when he saw me and took a tentative step back.

" What do you want ? " he asked, with a sneer. " This ain't no tourist trap. Get lost. "

Angel reached out faster than I thought possible and had the vampire down on his knees with a stack resting against his chest before I could take a step forward.

" We aren't tourists. " Angel said, through gritted teeth. " Where's Warren ? "

The vampire just looked up at him, not a hint of fear in his expression and smiled.

" I don't know any Warren. " he said, evenly.

" Okay let's try again. " I said, helping Andrew off the ground. " Where's Spike ? "

" I don't know any Spike either. " he answered, still stubbornly not scared in the least.

" The only way you are not going to end up turning into a big pile of dust right now is for you to tell us what we want to know. " I told him.

He turned his attention away from Angel and looked at me with cold, hatred in his eyes.

" I guessing your the Slayer, right ? " he asked.

I nodded.

" Well, then I'm going to probably end up a big pile of dust either way. The question is are you going to waist time trying to get me to talk to you before my buddies show up or not ? "

I glanced at Angel who had his eyes narrowed on the passage behind us. Then he turned to me.

" There are more and their pretty close because I can sense them. " he told me.

" How many more ? " I asked.

" Three, not very old. Two are not more than fledglings. "

Damn, I swore under my breath. I should have known better than to try to sneak up on a group of vampires. They were probably tracking our heartbeats.

" We could hide. " Willow offered.

" No, we'll just take them out. " I answered.

I nodded to Angel and he quickly plunged the stake into the vampire and we all watched as he turned into a pile of dust.

I gestured towards an outcropping pretty close to us. " You and Andrew get over there and stay down. "

Angel and I both took up position on the sides of the opening to wait. It wasn't a long wait.

Two of the vampires came walking cautiously around the corner, with the third close in tow. As soon the first two stepped from the opening, Angel and I plunged our stakes into them, sending dust flying.

I took the moment of surprised and spun around, using my moment to cleanly and quickly rid of us of the last one as well.

" Well, so much for the element of surprise. " Angel muttered, dusting his hands off as he surveyed the damage.

" Yep, they know we're here. I should have known better than to try and sneak in. " I sighed, " I have never really been one for subtlety. "

I heard Willow and Andrew join us.

" Hard to be subtle when you've got three very loud heartbeats telling ever vampire in the place exactly where you are. " Angel commented.

" Yeah, like I said, I wasn't thinking. " I answered, mentally beating myself up for my flawed planning.

He touched my shoulder and I looked up at him. " It's okay, no harm done. We just have to approach it differently. "

I sighed again and took another stake out of my pocket for my free hand. " Yep, like head on. "

We all nodded and started the way we had come, back to the main corridor.

We found two more vampires on the way and Angel dispatched both of them before I even had a chance to think about it. Apparently, he had decided on his own that I needed him for more than back up.

Well, I did make the fucked up plan after all.

At the main hall, we followed the tunnel, making much quicker progress now that we didn't care if we were heard or not. I was beginning to worry because we hadn't seen anything in a bit when three things jumped out directly in our path.

I couldn't really say what the hell they were actually. Things seemed to best describe them. They really didn't have much form, just more like three separate quivering balls of gelatinous masses.

I jerked back in surprise and Angel cast me a glance that said, he had no idea how to fight the things. I didn't either and I shrugged at him in response.

We were just about to retreat when Willow pushed between us and raised her hand.

" Solid ! " she said, in a commanding tone.

A bright blue light shot out of her fingertips and surrounded the three things. It lifted them off the ground until they were face level with us, then the light disappeared and when they fell to the ground they shattered into tiny pieces at our feet.

" Nice, " Angel commented, throwing a look over his shoulder at her.

" Happy to help " She beamed, happily.

We started off again, more alert now than we had been before. There weren't any side passages, just a straight corridor leading down deeper into the cave.

Then Angel stopped short and I had to take a few steps back to join him.

" What is it ? " I asked.

" Spike is just up ahead. " he said, tensely. " I can sense him, but something's wrong. "

" What do you mean ? What's wrong ? " I said, staring into his eyes.

" I... " he began but his words broke off as he stared off into the distance. " We need to hurry. " he said finally. " He doesn't have much time. "

He was off again before I could ask him anything else and I had to run to catch up to him. There was a very large knot forming in my stomach and I had to fight to push it away. What did he mean, he doesn't have much time ?

We saw the soft glow from what appeared to be candlelight as we approached an opening at the end of the passage. I went first straining my eyes to try and see into the chamber before we just barged in.

I didn't have to strain very hard. The chamber was smaller than the one with the water and there were several lit torches on the wall, but everything else about it was the same. Rock outcroppings, stalactites/stalagmites and all. And against the back hall, held up by chains running to the ceiling was Spike.

He slumped against the manacles around his wrists and I could see the blood oozing from where they were cutting into his flesh. He was shirtless and several angry red welts stood out against the alabaster paleness of his chest. His head was down like he was either asleep or unconscious. A streak of red ran from his swollen bottom lip and a cut across his cheekbone. His eyes were both swollen shut.

My efforts towards checking for danger flew out the window as I darted from the opening and across the room to him. Luckily there was no one else in the room because no one tried to stop me.

I heard Willow and Andrew both gasp as they came into the chamber. Angel was pacing me hurrying to get to Spike as well.

We reached him at almost the same instant and I reached out to touch his face.

" Spike, " I whispered, " It's Buffy. Can you hear me ? "

I thought I saw him move but I couldn't be sure.

" We have to get him down. " I told Angel.

Angel reached up to the rusty iron chains that held him and tugged on them uselessly. Then he tried with the manacles themselves, but came away with the same result.

I turned my attention back to Willow who was looking at Spike in shock.

" Is there something you can do ? " I asked her, my voice edgy.

" What ? " she said, shaking her head like she had been in some kind of fog. " Oh, yeah. "

She walked to where we were, extended her hand and narrowed her eyes.

" Release. " she said in that same commanding tone.

The manacles snapped open, spilling Spike helplessly into mine and Angel's arms.

Angel pushed me back gently and scooped him up in his arms like he weighed nothing, carrying him like a child to an outcropping close by that was about waist level.

He laid him down easily, doing his best not to hurt him more than necessary. Apparently despite all their talk to the contrary there was a certain amount of affection between them. At least from Angel's end. I had heard that the link between a Sire and a Childe vampire was a bond a lot like a parent and child, but I had never witnessed it until now.

" Is he okay ? " I asked, from over Angel shoulder.

He was still hovering over him like he was trying to read something in the lifeless form.

" I don't think so. " he whispered.

I must have stumbled backwards because the next thing I knew, Andrew had his hands on my back to steady me. That damned roaring was back in my ears and I can barely hear everyone asking me if I was all right.

We were too late to save him. I was going to lose him again.


	12. Slayer's Blood

Chapter Twelve - Slayer Blood

" That isn't possible. " I mumbled, pushing Angel aside so I could get closer to Spike's lifeless body.

" Buffy, it is. There's nothing we can do. " Angel said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

" There has to be. " I answered, between gritted teeth. My hands were clenched in tight fist, clutching the leather of Spike's coat. That roaring was still in my ears and I was having problems getting my breath.

It just couldn't be over. Not like this. I wouldn't accept that I couldn't save him this time. I had had no choice in accepting that last time. This time had to be different.

Angel turned me towards him and looked into my eyes. " Buffy, listen to me. He needs to feed badly and I'm not even sure that would help at this point. He is too far gone. He can't feed if he's unconscious. "

" He can feed on me. " Andrew offered, stepping towards us.

Angel nodded to him and gave him a tight smile. " It's a nice gesture, but I really don't think it will do any good. "

A hot tear slid down my cheek. I almost lashed out at Angel for giving up on him too easily, but then I saw the hurt on his face as he looked past me at his childe, laying in front of him about to die. His eyes were mournful, like his heart was breaking. I had seen that look before, the night he left me.

Then I heard Spike's voice in my head the night I went to him to find out how he had killed the other slayers.

" Slayer blood is different from normal blood. It's powerful and full of life. It was like the best drug I had ever taken. " he had told me.

Without any more thought, I pushed the jacket back, pulled out the knife I had at my side and cut a slice down my arm. A red trail streaked after the blade like it was chasing it. I didn't feel anything at first but then the trail began to burn and I had to stifle a cry.

Angel watched me with wide eyes as I leaned over Spike and pressed my arm to his mouth. He was still staring when nothing happened. I pressed harder.

Then I leaned down to his ear. I knew I had seen his head move when I first came in. I knew he was in there somewhere. " Spike, it's Buffy. You have to feed. If you don't you'll die. " I whispered.

Still I got no response. So I tried again.

" Please, Spike, you have to hear me. I can't lose you again. "

Angel reached out to my arm and started to pull me away, trying to spare me anymore pain, I imagined.

I jerked away from him and pressed harder still to Spike's dry, chapped lips.

" You can't die on me, I love you. " I cried.

Then I gasped and I don't know whether it was in surprise or in pain, as I saw Spike's face shift into his vampire visage and felt his fangs sink into my arm in the same instant.

Angel jumped, startled by the change that he had convinced himself wasn't coming. Willow and Andrew both took a step back, as well.

I could still hear that roaring in my ears but over that I heard the pounding of my heart. The tears that were falling now were tears of elation instead of sorrow. I wanted to scream in triumph.

Then another sensation came over me and I tried to focus my mind on it. Spike had never fed from me before and the feelings it was causing were intense. I could sense him. I could feel his pain, it racked his body, his entire being seemed to throb with it and I wanted to cry at the severity. I don't think I had ever felt that much pain before. He was in agony, like his insides were drying up. I wondered briefly if that was what it felt like to dehydrate.

I could feel his panic at not being able to see. Both his eyes were so swollen he had no hope of opening them and he couldn't understand what was wrong. He thought he had been blinded.

I could feel his anxiety over not understanding what was happening to him. He didn't really know who the others were and he was fearful of them. Afraid they would kill him in his vulnerable state.

I was staring into the mind of a man on the edge of death. He was filled with guilt and regret, sorrow and trepidation. Both times I had died, I hadn't really seen it coming. I hadn't had time to contemplate it over much, but he had been like this for hours. His entire life had pasted through his mind. He knew he was going to die and deep down he was still fighting it with everything he had left in him, which wasn't much.

But above all that, I could sense his reason for fighting. I felt his love for me. It was overwhelming and all consuming, like a fire that was engulfing him. The ferocity of it scared me and I tried at first to push it away from me out of fear of its power. It seemed almost brutal, the force of it torturing him.

I closed my eyes to try to get away from it and when I did, I saw myself the way he saw me. My face looked beautiful, almost angelic, like I was salvation personified and I finally understood exactly what he saw in me. To him, I was his deliverance from evil, his savior, the embodiment of everything good and right.

The image in his mind of me was perfection and I swayed away from him as the force of that realization hit me.

Angel was there to catch me when I staggered backwards.

He turned to Spike. " Enough. " he told him in a forceful tone and I felt the fangs retract .

I was still backing away from him without realizing it. I didn't know how to deal with the way he felt about me. It was too strong, too much for me to live up to. I could never be the person he saw me as. I could never match the image in his mind.

Angel looked at me strangely but let go and watched as I moved away from him.

I continued to move until I ran into what I thought was a wall. Then hands were on me turning me around.

" Buffy, what is wrong with you ? " Andrew asked.

" I can't... " my voice trailed off.

" You can't what ? " he demanded, that stern look on his face again, but this time it wasn't even the slightest bit amusing.

" I can feel him and I can't be who he thinks I am. " I answered, my lips dry and sticking together.

" That will fade in a little while. " I heard Angel say.

Andrew spun me back towards Spike and put his hands on my shoulder. Everyone was staring at me like I had truly lost my mind.

" I don't care what you think you can't be right now. It doesn't matter what you think. " Andrew said, forcefully. " All that matters right now is that he needs you. He's alive because of you. " he gave me a push in Spike's direction. " Get over there and talk to him. Help him. Deal with your feelings after this is over. "

His words penetrated my fog clouded brain and I blinked away my befuddlement. He was right. Spike needed me right now.

I went to him and smoothed his hair, leaning down with my head against his chest. He struggled against me.

My hands were shaking and I realized that for the first time in years, I was scared of him.

" It's okay. " I soothed. " It's Buffy. "

He seemed to relax for a minute but then I saw the swollen flesh of his eyes try to move and he panicked again.

" You aren't blind. " I whispered. " You'll be able to see in a minute. Just give the blood time to work. "

He rested his head back against the rock in understanding. Then in agonizing slowness, he reached his hand up and tangled it in my hair. From the pain I had felt in him, could actually still feel, I knew what that had cost him and I took his other hand and squeezed it.

" Can he feel me, too ? " I asked Angel who was standing over my shoulder.

" Yes, " I heard in a wispy, breathless reply from Spike.

" That's what I was about to say. " Angel answered. Then he reached out and touched my shoulder. " I need to go over to the entrance to make sure nothing is coming. We'll give him a few minutes to see if he can get enough strength to walk but if not, I'm going to have to carry him out. We don't have much time. "

I nodded to him in understanding and he moved away from us.

I felt Spike squeeze my hand and I looked up at his face to see that his lips had begun to take on a much healthier pinkish color instead of the dull gray they had been. The corners of his mouth were trying to turn up in a smile.

He still wore his vampire face. I wasn't sure if he wasn't able to change back or just didn't realize he hadn't. For the first time in all the years I had known him I looked at him, really looked at him. And I was spellbound. The ridges of his nose, the ripples in his forehead, in a face that was supposed to inspire terror, he was beautiful.

I heard him groan and it occurred to me that he knew what I was thinking.

" You came for me. " he whispered in a still incredibly weak voice.

" Of course I came. " I answered.

" I was afraid you wouldn't get here in time. "

I smiled. " I made it just under the wire. "

He nodded and I saw his expression change. " I think I can see you. "

The swollen skin around his eyes had shrunk quite a bit in a really short amount of time and I could just make out a sliver of white in the midst of all the pink.

" Do you think you can sit up ? We don't have much time and we need to get you out of here. " I told him.

" Not sure. " he groaned and tried to move.

I winced as I felt the pain that was that result of his attempt.

" I don't think so. "

" Angel is here. He's going to have to carry you. " I said, raising away from him.

His hand tightened in my hair, drawing me back down. And I felt the fear in him. " Don't leave me. " he panted.

" I'm right here. " I assured him. " I 'm not going anywhere. "

His hand lessened its grip but still didn't let me go.

" Angel, " I called out, not sure of what to do.

Angel came back to us and I looked up at him.

" He won't let me go. " I told him.

Angel looked down and I saw something flicker in his eyes. Then he leaned in close and touched Spike's forehead.

" Spike, you have to let go so we can get out of here. You're still in danger and so is Buffy if we don't go now. " he told him in a forceful, yet surprisingly soft voice.

I felt the fingers that were wrapped in my hair flex, but they still didn't retreat.

" Spike, listen to Angel. Let go of my hair so we can leave. "

His entire sense was different now, had been since I had tried to pull away from him. He wasn't hearing me anymore. I wasn't getting through to him.

" What's wrong with him ? " I asked Angel, tilting my head enough to look at him.

" His beast has taken over. It's a defense mechanism. We all have it. " Angel tried to explain, " Like a survival instinct. "

" Okay, so why is his beast pulling my hair ? " I muttered, trying to fight down the panic that was rising in me by the second.

" I guess it sees you as the thing that saved it and it doesn't want to lose, what it understands as, its only change for survival. " Angel wagered.

" Well then what do we do ? " I asked.

" I could make him let go, but I don't know if he would try to attack me or not. " Angel offered.

" Can't you talk to him ? Surely it knows you. "

Angel looked at me doubtful and shrugged his shoulders. Then he bent down again so he was close to Spike.

" Spike, I know you can hear me. " he said, in that same forceful tone. " Let go now. I'm here and I won't let anything else hurt you. I'll get you out of here but you have to let go. "

Spike flinched at hearing the voice and his hand slowly relaxed in my hair. I jerked away the instant I could. Spike reached out for me but I quickly evaded his searching hand.

" Buffy, " he whispered and I almost went back. The fear in him was so strong it was overwhelming.

Angel gathered him against him and hefted him into his arms. " Buffy's still here. She isn't leaving. " he was telling Spike.

" Angelus. " Spike groaned and clutched his shoulder.

" Close enough. " Angel muttered, under his breath and turned to the others. " Okay, this is how were going to do this. Buffy is going to go first with Willow right behind her. If anything gets in the way, you two are going to have to take it out. I'm not going to be much good. Andrew you bring up the rear and watch our backs. "

I nodded. It sounded like as good a plan as any and we all started for the entrance and came face to face with the most evil eyes I have ever seen.


	13. Reunions

Chapter 13 - Reunions

Glowing yellow eyes that squinted with a hatred that took over the rest of the ugly, horrific face, glared at us with malice. The thing in the entrance that stared down at us was twisted and terrifying. It stood eight feet tall at least, it's head barely clearing the ceiling. It's skin was a dark gray color with the look of sandpaper almost, even it's texture was revolting. Long arms that hung almost to the floor ended in hands that ended in needle sharp claws from each it's four fingers. Horns grew from the sides of the things head but instead of pointing up, adding even more to it's height, they curved downward and twisted around it's neck, which was huge, the size of a grown man's thigh. The skin from it stretched all the way to the sloop of it's shoulders and I could see the cables of muscles straining.

" Slayer " The thing whispered. Then he turned his eyes to Willow. " And the witch. "

I shrank back from it, not knowing how we were going to get past it but if it came down to a fight, the thing definitely had the upper hand.

It took a step towards us and looked behind me. " You brought friends. " It hissed, " Excellent."

A poisonous smile came over it's face and I winced and again took a step back. My hand slide inside my coat and I let it rest, unnoticed I hoped, on the hilt of my other knife.

" I'm so pleased you could join me. Although you're early. I thought I told you to be here tomorrow night. " it said, it's voice graveled and raspy.

" Sorry, I have plans tomorrow night. " I said, sarcastically.

Those eyes trained on me and I felt a lump in my throat. I had stared down some of the biggest nasties in the universe but the look on this things face was cold, unadulterated hatred and it was aim at us. This time it was personal.

" Still with the undying wit. " It mumbled, " I hate to disappoint you, but I'm afraid whatever plans you had for tomorrow were just canceled. "

" Damn I really had my heart set on watching those ' I love Lucy ' reruns, too. " I answered.

The thing took a step towards me, but this time I stood my ground. It wasn't close enough that I wanted to draw my weapon yet, but it was getting there.

It looked back over my shoulder and I glanced at what it was looking at. Angel had set Spike down and he was standing on his own, albeit not very steadily, but well enough to make a go show of it.

" I really thought I'd managed to kill you. Just how many lives do you have, Vampire ? "

Spike turned his face towards the thing and his eyes were now opened and glowing with yellow intensity.

" More than you've got the power to take. " he spat.

The creature laughed and the sound turned my stomach. " We'll see about that, wouldn't we ? "

It looked back to me again. " But I think I'll let you get your strength back a bit, we wouldn't want it to be over too quickly. " It snarled. " I'll just start with the Slayer instead. I've had plans for her since the first time I saw her. "

It moved even closer and as it did, I heard Angel and Spike both take a step up behind me as well.

" Isn't that sweet, you have a couple of heroes. " It baited, looking over my shoulder. Then something changed in it's face and I glanced around to follow his gaze.

He was staring intently at Andrew and poor Andrew was almost shaking so hard I thought he was going to come apart.

" Spike told me that you were with this little group but I guess I didn't believe it. I couldn't imagine such a coward wanting to stick his neck out. I guess I underestimated you. " The thing hissed.

" Warren, " Andrew managed, even his voice was shaky. " I hoped I would never see you again. "

" Well we can't all get what we wish for. It seems it was my turn. I have all my enemies right here in front of me. What could be more perfect. " It smiled, " And you weren't really even important enough to be part of my pact. So you're nothing more than a bonus really. "

" Why are Angel and Spike in your pact ? " I asked, " They never really did anything to you. "

It turned back to me. " They aren't. They were just the easiest way to get to you and the witch. " he chuckled. " Looks like it worked beautifully. "

" So what now ? " I said. " You've got us here, what happens now ? "

He thought about that for a second. " I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow night. I could just kill you now, but I think waiting until just before the ritual has so much more style so I guess you'll have to be my guests until then. "

He raised his cumbersome arm towards the back wall and one section disappeared. Then he glanced around behind him.

It was the only chance I was going to get. Just as he was about to call for his reinforcements, I drew the knife out and pounced.

Angel had the same idea because he got to him the second I did. Warren swung his head around in surprise as I sunk my knife into his left shoulder and Angel sunk his into the right side of his chest.

He let out a wailed and tried to swat us off him, but his arms were so big they weren't able to reach us easily and I took the opportunity to withdraw the knife and sink it into his neck this time. Angel, vampire face in place, was wailing at him with his knife driving it again and again into his side and torso.

Then hands came around me and hurled me back away from Warren. My knife hit the ground with a clang and I turned my attention to whatever had grabbed me.

Spinning around I saw four vampires had entered the room and two of them were concentrating on me while the other two were on Angel.

I used my body weight to heft one of them off, pushing into him with my hip and reaching as I did for the stake I still carried in my pocket. I swiveled around to the other one and used the momentum to drive the stake into his chest, sending dust flying, unfortunately right into my eyes.

I blinked a couple of times, trying to clear them of the burning that had taken over. But it didn't help. The first one had gotten to his feet and was grabbing me again.

" Don't kill them. " I heard Warren demand from where he was slumped against the wall.

My vampire had his hands around my shoulders dragging me towards him, while he tried to pin my arms. I wasn't about to let that happen. I arched my back into him and latched onto his arms, sending him flying over my head and landing in a heap at my feet.

I dropped to one knee and drove the stake as far as I could into his chest. Another cloud of dust blew up, but this time I turned my head away and when I did I saw one of Angel's vampires stalking towards Andrew.

I guessed he figured he'd take out the weakest link first.

I got to my feet and just as I was almost to him, Spike stepped in front of him and knocked him to the ground with a swing of his arm. Then he pounced on his chest, straddling him and plunged his fangs into the vamps neck.

But instead of feeding he jerked his head upwards, ripping the vamps throat to shreds and leaving him immobile beneath him.

I shuddered. I had never seen him do anything like that before. It was brutal and primitive. Angel had been right, his beast really had taken over for the moment and it scared me to see it action.

Then something hit me across the back, sending me sprawling onto the ground. I panicked as I realized I was pinned to the floor by something heavy.  
My attempts at squirming were quickly ended when the weight shifted from the middle of my back to my shoulders and another weight fell across my legs.

I cried out as it pushed my into the unyielding floor. I could almost hear my bones cracking as the pressure continued to mash against me.

I couldn't draw air into my lungs and spots were forming in front of my eyes. Apparently while I had my back turned, more vamps had arrived because all my friends were fighting in front of me and I don't think any of them had noticed my situation.

My chest burned with lack of air. I was dizzy, I couldn't even get enough breath to call out to them.

Then to my amazement, Spike turned towards me abruptly, knocking the vampire he was fighting into the nearby wall. His eyes locked with mine and a crazy look came over his face. He ran towards me, letting out a primal yell as he did. The last thing I remember seeing was him vaulting over me, trying to get to whatever it was that was holding me down.


	14. I love you, too

Chapter Fourteen - I love you, too

The first thing that occurred to me was pain. It stabbed through my chest as I tried to take a tentative breath. The next thing was that the surface I was laying on was hard, unyielding and very uncomfortable. I could feel the dirt under my fingers, fine and course like sand, but not.

I moved my head and was surprised to find the surface under it was different. My skin stuck to it. It was squishy and soft and it crinkled as I moved. Then the smell hit me and I realized it was Spike's coat.

I opened my eyes and all I could see was blue. A brilliant blue with an intensity I would know anywhere.

Spike was staring down at me with a slight smile on his now human, almost completely healed face.

" Are you all right ? " I heard Angel ask from behind him.

I tried to move. I wanted to wrap my arms around Spike and never let him go. But the pain in my back and chest was too severe to make that possible. So I concentrated on speaking instead.

" I think so. " I whispered, it was the best I could do, since I really couldn't take a full breath. " Is it over ? " I asked. "Are we safe ? "

Spike's smile deepened and I felt his arms around me. " We're fine, Luv. Everything is okay. " he told me.

" Thanks to Spike. " Andrew said, coming into my vision. " Warren was trying to crush you. Spike got to you just in time. "

My eyes never left his. I couldn't stop staring into those eyes I had dreamed about so many times over the last few months.

" How did you do it ? " I managed.

Angel came up beside Spike and put his hand on his shoulder. " We can talk about that later. " he answered. " Right now, grab her and let's get out of here. "

Spike pulled me to him as easily as he could. I gasped out when he shifted me against him, the pain in my back was overpowering. I managed to get my arms around his neck with some effort and then I clung to him like he was a lifeline.

His arms went around my back and I groaned as he hefted me from the ground. Then he put one of his arms under my knees and cradled me against his chest. I could feel the muscles of his chest and shoulders ripple as he started to walk with me, but my eyes went back to his face.

I could still feel a faint sense of him through the bond we shared. His eyes flickered across my face, watching intensely for any sign that he might be causing me more pain with his hold. But I mustered a smile to let him know that I was okay.

I have no idea how he knew where he was going because his eyes never left my face as he continued to move forward.

I pulled my gaze away from him reluctantly when I felt the cold rush of fresh air hit my skin.

We were out. We were safe.

I tried to breath a sigh but it came out as a moan of pain. Spike misunderstood and readjusted his arm on my back.

Then he smiled down at me and brushed a soft kiss against my cheek. " It won't be long now, Luv. " he told me in a reassuring voice. " Almost there. "

His smiled faded a bit as he shifted again. " Are you all right ? " he asked.

I snuggled deeper into his chest and tightened my arms around him. " Just don't let me go. " I answered.

" Never again. " he told me seriously. " You'll be so tired of me you'll be looking for reasons to get rid of me. "

" Promise ? " I asked.

" Promise. "

He stood back while Angel opened the door and gently eased me into the back seat. Then he slid in beside me, grabbing me to him again.

I felt something fall over my shoulder and casting a glance that direction, I saw Willow easing Spike's coat over me as she got in on the other side.

Angel and Andrew took the front seat. We took advantage of the night and decided since I wouldn't be able to drive, we would stop at a hotel and wait out the daylight there. I was grateful for the plan, seating up in the cramped back seat was making my back ache.

I nestled into Spike's chest and let myself release all the tension that had been building over the past few days. Spike's arms were around me, holding me tightly against him.

" Are you all right ? " I asked, as the memory of what he had looked like returned to me.

" I'm perfect. " he answered. " And I hear that I have you to thank for that. "

" I couldn't lose you again. " I told him.

He smiled at me. " I already told you. I'm not ever going anywhere again. "

I let my eyes slide close, relaxing into the security of his arms around me. It was a feeling of safety that I hadn't felt in longer than I could remember.

I didn't wake again until I felt the car stop and heard the sound of the door opening and shutting again. I opened my eyes to find Spike staring down into my face and softly stroking my hair.

He stopped his hand when he saw my eyes looking back at him. I guess he thought I was going to tell him to stop. In the past that is exactly what I would have done. This time I reached up and gently rubbed the back of my fingers against his cheek. Then I eased my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face to mine.

I got to see his shocked expression as I pressed my lips against his in an easy, lingering kiss.

At first he tried to pull away from me, trying to tell me I didn't know what I was doing I'm sure. But I made sure he understood he wasn't going anywhere by holding him tighter. His arms tightened around me as he relaxed into the kiss and I groaned as he deepened it, sliding his tongue smoothly against mine. I opened my mouth to help allowing him full access.

I think it was the first kiss like this we had ever shared. It wasn't hurried or passionate. It was deeper, more meaningful.

Faintly in the back of my consciousness, I heard the car door open again and the doom lit up the car. Spike pulled back from me reluctantly and I whimpered as his lips left mine.

" Get a room. " Angel said, with teasing sarcasm as he cast a glance over his shoulder.

Then he chuckled and handed a key back to me. " Oh, wait. I already got you one. "

I took the key as I laughed back and Spike joined in as well with an uneasy chuckle of his own.

Confusion covered his face. He had no idea what was going on. I smiled at him reassuringly and he looked back at me with wonder and uncertainty in his eyes. I couldn't believe that he still really didn't know how I felt about him. We had shared a bond when he fed from me and I thought he could feel what I did. But somehow what I felt and his interpretation of it must have gotten jumbled along the way.

" I only got three rooms. I figured that would be enough. Andrew and I can share or Spike and I.. You and Willow can have the other one. Whatever you want to do. " Angel explained.

" Spike and I will take one room and You and Andrew can have another. Willow can have one to herself. " I answered decisively.

Angel nodded. " I figured that would be the way it would work. "

He pulled the car out of the covered drive and parked in front of a row of doors leading in both directions.  
" We're on the bottom. " He said. " The one's just this side of the stairs. "  
I looked to the stair and checked the room number on the key. I matched it with the number on the door closest to the stairs.

We made our way inside and I had to stifle a laugh when we opened the door to reveal a king size bed in the center of the otherwise bland, ordinary room.

Everything inside was beige or a shade close to it. There was no actually color anywhere except the awful watercolor print which hung over the bed.

Spike looked at me doubtfully and cleared his throat.

" You think we got Red's key by mistake. " he asked.

" Why would you think that ? " I asked, stepping into the room and throwing my bag off into the distant corner.

" There's only one bed. " he answered.

I looked at him like he was stupid. " We've slept together before. " I told him.

" Yeah, but things are different now. " he said closing the door.

" How ? " I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

He came to me and took my hands in his. " Buffy, I've had a lot of time to think about us over the past few days. And I've made a decision that I think is best for both of us. "

I tried to pull my hands away from him. I really didn't like the tone of his voice.

" I can't keep doing what we've been doing. " he continued. " It's killing me and it's holding you back. I know now that you'll never love me and I understand that. Too much has happened between us for you to ever feel that way about me. " He sighed and looked down at my hands. " And I love you too much to keep hoping that someday it will be more. "

I looked at him flabbergasted. Then he looked back at my face and smiled at my reaction.

" Don't look at me like that. You know I'm right about this. It can't just be about sex and comfort anymore. "

I shifted and pulled my hands away forcefully. Then hugged them against my chest.

" It isn't about sex and comfort anymore. " I told him quietly.

He pulled my eyes back to his. " Yes it is and on your end that's all it will ever be. I love you too much to keep you from being happy. You can have more than that with someone you're able to love. "

" But I love you. " I said, trying to keep the pathetic pleading tone out of my voice.

" You don't really mean that. I know you don't. Let's both of us agree to be friends and try to move on. " he offered.

" Friends ? " I asked incredulously. " We can never be just friends. "

He must have taken that wrong because the look on his face said I had truly wounded him.

" All right. " he answered. " Then we will just go our separate ways and forget about each other. "

He stood and tried to move from the bed, but I reached out and grabbed his hand.

He looked down at me and I could see the hurt in his eyes. " I really thought we had moved past this at least. "

I held him tighter as he tried to pull away. " Wait, " I said.

He stopped trying to get away, but the hurt look was still there. " I didn't mean we couldn't be friends. You're my best friend. " I told him.

His eyes softened and his shoulders slumped a little.

" Then what did you mean ? " he asked, sitting down beside me again.

" I meant I can't just be friends with you. " I answered.

He looked away from me and stared down at the floor. " Buffy, this is the best thing for both of us. I know you think you need me but you don't. " he began.

" Yes, I do. These last months have made me realize exactly what you mean to me. " I interrupted him. " You told me yourself, there's something between us. You were right. There is. It wasn't love at the time and I never believed that I would be but it is. I know that now. I see it. "

He drew back from me. " You're just confused. "

I grabbed his hands and held them tightly in mine. " I am not confused. Not anymore. I have spent most of my life confused. But I can tell you, I finally see this clearly. "

He looked at me doubtfully. " I can't take the chance that you will realize you don't love me later on down the road. " he sighed. " I can't risk it. I can't lose you again. "

I squeezed his hands and looked into this eyes. " I'm not going to change my mind. I love you. I have for a long time now. I just couldn't see it. "

His eyes shifted and he looked to the ground again. " I lost my mind last time. I actually lost my mind. I love you too much to lose you. If being friends with you is the only way I can be sure of that. Then that's what I need to do. "

I grabbed his face and turned his eyes back to me. " You aren't going to lose me. I'm here and I love you. I know you still love me, I felt it. "

He stared at me for a long time, just looking into my eyes, searching for something. Then he finally took a deep breath. " I love you more now than I ever did. You know that I do. But I'm just not sure it's enough. "

" Of course it's enough. We love each other. That's always enough. " I answered.

He looked away again. " I can't believe this. " he mumbled.

" What ? " I asked.

He looked back to me and drew a little closer. " This is all I've wanted for as long as I can remember. You don't know how many times I've dreamed of you telling me you loved me. I've seen it in my mind over and over. "

I leaned closer to him and smiled. " Believe it, because I'm telling you now. I love you. "

" I love you, too. " he smiled back at me.

And there it was. After Two years of this emotional roller coaster. After two years of doubts and uncertainties and never knowing what was happening between us, we had our answer. We had our, I love you, too.


	15. Fear

Chapter Fifteen - Fear

We sat there for a long time simply staring at each other, neither of us wanting to break the spell that had wrapped itself around us. When Spike finally did move it was to get closer and enveloped me in his arms.

I settled against him and let my arms fall leisurely around his waist, burying my head into the contours of his chest and drinking in his warmth and strength. I had decided I would never be able to get enough of the feel of him against me. I would never get enough of him being with me. His presence was like comfort and security, strength and wholeness. Being with him was perfect. It was better than I ever remembered it being and I mentally chided myself for deny myself this feeling for so long. If I had only given in to him two years ago when all this mess had started I could have saved us both the heartache and despair that we had to endure because of my stubbornness.

I leaned my head up to look into his face and I found him looking down at me with those intense blue eyes and an expression that said he was feeling exactly the same things I was thinking.

He tilted his face down to mine and captured my lips in a long lingering kiss. I melted into it, just enjoying him for the first time. His lips were warm against mine, I had always remembered them being cold or else having no temperature at all. But as I snaked my hand up his side, sliding it under the shirt he had obviously borrowed from either Angel or Andrew somewhere along the way, I noticed his skin was warm as well.

I didn't take too much time to deliberate it as my finger played lightly over the muscles of his stomach. They were tight and well defined and I enjoyed the softness of his skin against my fingertips.

His breath caught in his throat as I edged my finger around the waistband of his jeans. But I realized it was a different breath than I had anticipated and repeated the motion a little slower just to be sure. There it was again, but this time he squirmed away from my hand and I heard the breath with an air of a laugh underneath it.

He was ticklish. In all the times that we were together I had never realized this fascinating tidbit until now. How could I have missed it ?

I looked up at him and a slow menacing smile spread across my face. A look of impending doom flashed through his eyes and he retreated even further from me.

" Buffy, " he whispered, putting his hands out in a defensive posture. " That wasn't what you thought it was. " I tried to backpedaled as fast as he could. " I was just thinking about something funny. "

I laughed out loud at the lameness of his pleading and at the tone of his voice. He was terrified. His face darkening as I continued to inch my way closer to him.

" You don't want to do this. " he warned me, sliding from the foot of the bed and darting around to the other side in a lightning fast motion.

I followed him with my eyes and instead of going off the bed after him, I simply twisted my body around so that I was facing him again.

" I can't believe that I never knew this about you. " I told him, easing forward.

" I can't believe it, either and now that you do know I would really appreciate it if you forgot about it. " he answered, his hands still out in front of him to block me and his eyes tracking my every move.

I inched forward a little more and smiled wickedly. " Oh, no. I don't think so. This is too good to forget. "

I reached out and quickly tried to snag my target, but he moved easily out of my grasp.

He took a step back from the bed and surveyed his options. I could see the battle plan forming in his head.

Then suddenly, drawing on the element of surprise he spun away from me and made for the other side of the bed again. As he darted past the foot of the bed, I reached out and caught him for a second.

I was rewarded with a howl of laughter but my hold wasn't solid and he slipped away before I truly got the chance to attack.

Coming to the other side of the bed, he paused and stared at me again.

" Are you completely sure you know what you're doing ? " he asked, cocking one eyebrow slightly.

" I know exactly what I'm doing. " I smiled. " I found the big bad's Achilles heal and I'm going to use it. "

The panicked look was back now as I inched my way closer to him.

" I'm not the big bad anymore. " he answered, backing up a step.

" Oh, " I said, " I think there is plenty of it still left in you. "

We stayed like that for a second, I purposely didn't move, trying to lure him into a false sense of calm. He wasn't buying it. I could tell from his eyes that he knew I was up to something.

He tried to back away from the bed, but as he did, I pounced bringing my hand to his side and tickling him without mercy.

He fell forward as a burst of laughter fell from his lips. Wiggling and squirming, in what I thought was the troughs of his fit, he managed to maneuver himself into position and with a flip he had me trapped under him, securing my hands in his grasp, the rest of his body anchored my lower half to the bed.

" You really shouldn't play games you can't win. " he taunted from above me.

I tried to wrestle my hands free from his grip but he tighten them, allowing me no freedom of movement.

I was well and truly trapped under him. As hard as I tried to move, it was no use. And then a startling realization hit me - I wasn't the least bit, even the tiniest inkling, scared of him. I was completely helpless, utterly at his mercy and I was totally unafraid.


	16. How good it could be

Chapter Sixteen - How good it could be

My face must have shown something, or maybe it was because I stopped fighting him, but he loosened his grip on my hands and looked at me intensely.

" What is it ? " he asked, " Did I hurt you ? "

I shook my head and smiled at him. " Not at all. " I whispered.

" Good, " he smiled, regaining his position.

Then he dropped his head to mine and kissed me lightly, just barely brushing his lips against mine.

Then he pulled back. " I know we've already been over this but I have to know for sure. " he began. " This time there is no holding back. I want all of you, or none of you, decide now. "

" I love you. " I answered, without the slightest hesitation.

" I love you, too. " he whispered, as he again bent his head, this time to my throat.

Once again, here I was completely helpless with him, not just holding me down, but coming towards my neck, and still I felt absolutely no fear.

His mouth descended to my neck and I felt his tongue snake out and gently lick at my throat. He raised his head back to look at my face. I just stared back at him with expectant eyes.

Then he pushed the envelope even further and I started a bit as his vampire visage took over. Then he lowered his head again and once again tentatively licked at my throat.

Still I didn't move, didn't stir. My heartbeat continued its steady pulse, not jumping or speeding, just beating.

He looked back at me and his human face was back in place.

" Was that supposed to be some kind of test ? " I asked, a slow smile spread across my face.

" It was. " he answered, quietly, easing his hands from around my wrists.

" Did I pass ? "

He sat back, resting his weight on his heals as he straddled me. " You told me once that you would never trust me. " he said in way of an answer.

I reached out and stroked his cheek. " I was wrong. " I told him. " About a lot of things. "

" I'm sorry. " he whispered, leaning his head into my hand. " I had to know. "

" I understand. "

" When you stopped fighting me, I thought you realized I had you pinned and it scared you. " he explained.

" No, " I answered, sitting up on my elbows. " I realized that I wasn't. "

He stared down at me for a long while. I scooted my lower half from under him and sat up, putting my arms around his shoulder and drawing him closer to me.

" Now, It's your turn to trust me. " I said, quietly. " You have to believe me when I tell you I love you. "

He leaned into me and I again noticed the warmth coming from him.

" I want to. " he answered, finally. " I want to believe you more than anything else. I want to trust that you know what your saying, but it's hard. We've been through so much. "

His arms were around me now, holding me against him.

" What can I do to convince you ? "

" I don't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe I just need some time to see that you aren't just confused. " he said, dragging me into his lap as he sat back and pulled his legs from underneath him.

Now I noticed his breath against my cheek and I couldn't contain my curiosity any further. " Why are you warm ? "

" What ?" he asked, startled by the abrupt change of subject.

" Why are you so warm ? You aren't usually. " I explained.

" Oh, " he commented offhandedly. " Slayer blood stays with you for a long time. It's just an after effect. "

" Oh, " I answered. Then something else occurred to me. " Does that mean you can still sense me like back in the cave ? "

His brow furrowed for a second. " Not really, not as strongly I mean. " he tried to explain. " I can sense where you are still, but I can't feel what you're feeling or hear what your thinking anymore. "

I looked away. So much for that, I thought. I was hoping he could feel how much I loved him through the bond we shared earlier but that idea was gone. Unless...

I grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and pulled it up.

" Feed from me again. " I told him, holding my arm out to him.

He looked at me like I had truly lost my mind. " What ? "

" I want you to feed from me again. " I answered.

" Buffy,... " he began, shaking his head in dismissal.

" Spike, " I interrupted him. " I want us to start out this time with both of us having no doubts about where we stand with the other. I want you to know exactly how I feel about you with no questions. This is the only way you'll be sure of that. "

He continued to look at me like I was crazy but there was an understanding in his eyes as well. I watched as several different emotions played on his face.

" Are you completely sure about this ? " he asked, after a long minute.

I offered him my arm again and nodded. " Completely sure. " I answered.

He took my arm and to my surprise tucked it back to my side. " Not like that. Let me show you how good we can be together. " he murmured against my cheek, making me shudder.

" I seem to remember things being pretty good between us. " I whispered.

" You never let me even get close. " he answered.

Then he gathered me to him and laid me easily against the bed. I watched him as he lowered his head to me and kissed me deeply, hungrily. His hands grazed my sides as they slid their way up to my shoulders. Mine fell to this waist, trying to pull him into me. He complied and stretched his length along my side, pressing himself into me.

His tongue slid against mine as he pushed past my lips, and began to explore the dark recesses of my mouth. I opened my mouth to him, allowing him entrance and savoring the taste of him.

His hands moved to my shirt and he pulled back long enough to lift it deftly over my head and discard it behind us. I shuddered again as the cool air hit my skin, but his lips were on mine again and before I knew it I wasn't cold at all anymore.

His fingers racked against my skin in long, leisurely strokes as they played across my stomach.

He moved his mouth from my lips and blazed a fiery trail of kisses down my neck and over my shoulders. Then just as his hand reached up to cup my breast in his palm, his head fell and he took my nipple into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue and pulling at it softly with his teeth.

I groaned and threw my head back against the mattress, reveling in the sensation he was causing within me. Never had I allowed him the soft caresses or the gently kisses that he was slowly torturing me with now. But this time was different. This time I was laid out before him and he was worshipping me with his mouth and hands like I was a gift from the Heavens sent for him to adore. I briefly remembered the image of me that I had seen from him and I shivered as I thought about it.

He continued his assault of my senses, his mouth playing over of skin, leaving a trail of fire in it's wake.

I reached out and let my hands moved over his back, awestruck at the tautness of his muscles as they rippled with his every movement. His body was over me now, covering me in his warmth. The weight was comforting.

He moved away for a moment as he made short work of divesting us both of the remaining barriers of our clothing.

When he returned he started at my legs and took his time returning to my throat as his tongue and hands played against every inch of my flesh.

And when he came back to me, his body was on fire, his skin so hot it almost burned me.

I grabbed him and pulled his mouth down to mine. I kissed him greedily. My hands clutching his shoulders, holding him against me, trying to make my body contact as much of his as I could.

Now I understood what he had meant. Now I knew how good it could have been between us. Once again, I regretted my selfish need to keep him at arms length.

Then he was positioned above me and with a deep, strangled groan from deep in his chest he sank into me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, meeting him thrust for thrust, still holding to him. The pace he sat was slow and easy. I rode it with him, letting him take control.

I cried out as he plunged deeply into me and swiveled his hips in a circular motion. I gasped again and again as I felt the tide of fulfillment starting in my stomach and beginning to arc through my body like lightning.

Then a hoarse cry came from him and his body went completely rigid, pulling me along with him in his explosion and just as I was plummeting over the edge, I saw yellow eyes gleaming back at me and he sunk his fangs deeply into my neck.


	17. Rewards

Chapter Seventeen - Rewards

Stars exploded behind my tightly clenched eyes as I rode out wave after wave of pleasure with him fastened tightly to my throat. Then I cried out as I realized I wasn't just experiencing my own ecstasy, but his as well. I could feel what my body was doing to his. I could sense the feelings that were flowing through him in waves of emotions.

His desire, his pleasure, and his love of me were all there stretched out before me, letting me share in his feelings. My hands were clenched so tightly on his shoulders, I was sure I was leaving bruises, but I didn't care and he didn't seem to either, if he even noticed.

Finally, we both stopped moving and he rested against me, half supporting his weight on his hands at either side of my head. I still held him, not letting him move away from me even when he tried.

We laid that way, reveling in the variety of emotions that were whirling between us. Finally, I let him pull away and he flopped onto his back beside me, exhausted. I rolled to him and rested easily against his side.

" I can't believe it, " he panted as held me tightly against his side. " I never thought it was possible. "

" I told you, I love you. " I answered, more than a little out of breath myself.

" I know. " he said solemnly. " I can feel it. "

" Why couldn't you feel it before, in the cave ? " I asked purely out of curiosity.

" I guess I was so badly injured I couldn't make much sense of anything. " he surmised.

" Well at least now you know. " I smiled, lazily.

He leaned his head down and brushed a kiss against my lips. " Yes, now I know. "

My mind had started to drift into a fog of sleep when I suddenly felt him go rigid, all his muscles tense at once. I looked up into his face and I could sense the shock in him.

" Buffy, " he whispered, sitting up beside me and looking at me intensely.

Suddenly, I understood and mentally berated myself for letting him find out this way, instead of telling him myself. He had sensed the baby.

" Spike, I was going to tell you about it, I just didn't have a chance with everything that's been going on. " I began.

But he cut me off abruptly. " You don't have to explain. I was dead. I understand. "

I looked at him, trying to gauge whether or not to believe him from the emotions that I felt from him. I wanted to know how understanding he would have been if the baby hadn't been his. But the only thing I could feel from him was shock.

I was just about to tell him when I guess he picked up on the thought from me and he sat back in stunned disbelief.

" Mine... " he mumbled, letting the word fall from his lips like there was nothing he could do to stop it. " How ? "

I sat up beside him. " I don't know. " I answered.

I felt the jumble of emotions pouring from him as if they were my own and in fact most of them were the exact same emotions I had experienced when I first found out.

Then his expression changed and I shrank back at the anger on his face.

" How could you come after me like that ? How could you put yourself in danger like that ? " he asked.

" How could I not come after you ? " I countered.

His face eased a bit but his eyes were still dark. " If you ever put our child in danger like that again. " he threatened half-heartily.

But my mind was still stuck. Our Child, he had said. Our Child. The thought hadn't really taken shape like that in my mind yet. His words echoed over and over in my mind. Our Child.

" Buffy, " he asked, reaching out to touch my hand. " Are you all right ? "

I physically shook my head to bring me back to reality. " I'm fine. " I answered.

" I still don't understand how this is possible. " he commented.

" Angel seems to think it has something to do with some rewards you told him about. " I said.

" Angel knows ? " he asked.

" He was the one that told me. " I answered. Then I looked down at the floor sheepishly.

" Angel isn't the only one that knows. " he said, taking in my expression.

I looked back at him and saw that the look on his face wasn't angry. " Well, I kept passing out all over the place. Everyone was worried about me. " I explained.

" You passed out ? " he asked, incredulously.

" Just a couple of times. The doctor said I was fine though. " I said, trying to put off his obvious concern.

" Have you been eating ? " he demanded, grabbing my chin with his finger and pulling my face up to his.

" Some. " I answered, truthfully. " Andrew has made me. "

He sighed and slumped his shoulders. " Buffy, " he began in a lecturers voice, " I'll not have you not taking care of yourself. You haven't been eating right. You're putting yourself in danger. " he looked into my eyes, holding me in a penetrating gaze. " Except now you're not just putting yourself in danger. You putting our daughter in danger, too. "

" I know. " I started, but then stopped abruptly. " Our daughter ? " I asked, suddenly aware of what he had said.

" Yeah, you have to stop. I don't want you doing any more slaying ... " he trailed off as he looked at my face. " What ? "

I couldn't hide my smile. " We're having a girl.

" Well, yeah, " he answered. Then he took in my expression. " Obviously you didn't know that. " he added. " I'm sorry to ruin the surprise for you. "

I reached to him and pulled him tightly against me.

" I love you. " I whispered against his cheek.

"I love you, too. But I still want you to promise me, you're going to stop being so reckless. " he answered, hugging me back.

" I promise. " I told him.

Then I sat back and scrutinized his expression carefully, letting myself feel his emotions and trying to determine exactly how he felt about the baby.

" What ? " he asked, after a minute of my staring.

" I just want to really know how you feel about this. " I answered. " I don't want you to feel bound or obligated to me because of the baby. If you don't want to raise a baby I understand. I mean you really don't strike me as the fatherly type. "

He stared at me and I thought for a moment his mouth was going to start gaping. He was looking at me like he had never seen me before, like I was an alien he couldn't figure out.

" What the hell are you talking about ? " he asked me finally.

" I'm just saying I know the baby wasn't part of the deal when you said you would stay with me. And I understand if it changes things. Some people are just not cut out to be parents. "

He stood from the bed abruptly and started to pace, running his hands through his hair as he did. I watched him intently. I knew we were in the midst of a pretty deep discussion but eyeing him walking back and forth, nude in front of me was distracting me. He wore his nudity so easily. I was always shy about my body. Spike was absolutely, completely comfortable with or without clothes. Actually, truth be told, he seemed more comfortable without them. He stopped pacing and turned towards me, and I had to concentrate to focus my eyes on his face.

" You know, when I was alive, one of the things I wanted more than anything was a family of my own. You know, a wife and children, a little house somewhere in the country. " he paused and came back to the bed, sitting beside me. " It was one of the things that held me back from going into the clergy, actually. "

It was my turn to stare. I had never known any of these things before. " I thought you wanted to be a poet. "

" I did, but I was also realistic. My poetry really was bloody awful. The nickname suited me. " he smiled.

I chuckled and touched his shoulder. " But that was over a hundred years ago. How do you feel about it now ? " I asked, although I could feel some of what he was feeling through the bond. I needed to hear it from his mouth. In his own words.

" It's still all I could ever hope for. I thought Drusicilla and Angelus robbed me of my chance at a real family and I resented them for it for a long time. But now I have a opportunity to have everything I have ever wanted. I can't for the unlife of me figure out why. I certainly don't deserve it. "

I sat there touching him and listening to him and at the same time I let myself revel in the emotions he was feeling, the thoughts that were flickering through his head. There was positively no doubts in the way he felt about me or the baby. And underneath all that he couldn't believe that I would think for a minute he wouldn't want the baby.

It made a warm feeling start in my stomach and travel throughout my body.

" You deserve all this and more. You are one of the most deserving people I know. You sacrificed yourself for all of us. None of will ever forget that. " I assured him.

" I wish I thought that made of for half things I've done over the years. " he sighed.

" It obviously does to someone. If not, you wouldn't be here now. "

He considered that for a moment. Then he smiled at me. " You know, I was offered a choice of whether I wanted to move on or go back to my life. I choose to come back. I think it astounded the poor little thing that was there. " he chuckled. " I think he thought that since I had lived for so long, I would be ready to go. But I told him, I couldn't leave you. I had to keep you safe. "

" You gave up a chance at Heaven to stay here with me ? " I asked, incredulously.

" Well, he never actually put in those words, but he implied that was were I was heading. I told him I had to get back to you. And he just looked at me and shook his head. Then he told me that because of the sacrifice I made I would be greatly rewarded. "

I kissed him. " I think you have been. "

He pulled me against him and kissed me deeper this time, making me feel it in my toes.

" I know I have. " he answered when he finally pulled away from me.

The End


End file.
